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If The Country Was a Car, The Check President Light Would Be On

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Thanks to a Southern Illinois gas station owner for the title. For you who aren’t familiar with Illinois; there’s the Socialist Republic of Cook County-Chicago, and downstate, the home to normal people. In fact most people south of I-80 are who Obama disparaged in his San Francisco treat, the bitter clingers of guns, bibles, and such. You know, people we commonly refer to as Americans.

The only thing that makes Illinois look good from a governmental perspective is California. A K-Car compared to a Yugo. Proof of the division in thought, ideology, and values between the socialists and Americans? Pat Quinn. Elected governor because Quinn won a whopping three of one hundred two counties. A foolproof argument for keeping, and the need for, the electoral college. Our founders were indeed brilliant.

Back to the check president light, let’s plug in the computer that makes mechanics look like Einstein at identifying problems, and what do we find?

Do you remember the scene in Trains, Planes, and Automobiles, the response Steve Martin received from the clerk at the car rental counter, when he told her he didn’t have his receipt? That’s what we find displayed on our diagnostic computer.

First we discover the computer that contains the operating system (Constitution) has been corrupted. A brilliant, yet simple operating system to insure the separate parts (States) of the car functioning independently, but in harmony with the others, has been short-circuited.

It appears a power surge from a central source (DC) has damaged the operating system almost to the point of no repair. Just got here in time the mechanic says, if you had waited past November 6th it would have been off to the junkyard for your car (country).

Upon further evaluation we discover the computer is intentionally starving the engine of fuel, although the tank is full. The mechanic tells us that is unusual, because he doesn’t recall ever seeing the main operating system intentionally block it’s own life source.

The mechanic said he may never have seen this before, but remembers his father telling him about one time when, although there was nothing blocking the flow of fuel from the tank to the engine inside the car, there was a similar operator back in the seventies who caused people to have to wait in line and receive a rationed amount of fuel for the tank.

We ask the mechanic if the car can be saved? Certainly it can, however it’s going to be expensive. It’s very difficult to get at the source of the problem and remove the corrupted primary component. He says it’s like surgery, you have to be careful not to damage the parts that are still in place, are perfectly fine, have not been used, but will be crucial to the restoration of a fully functioning car.

Seems the power surge has placed hundreds of thousands of destructive particles (bureaucrats) throughout the entire car. One in ten are needed and the other nine must be removed, however it is extremely difficult to identify the corrupted particles, they are masters of disguise.

The mechanic tells us that in this critical condition you’re better off just flushing the system and replacing all the particles with known, non-corrupted particles. Then install conductors that oversee that the particles don’t become corrupted again. The majority of the conductors need replaced every two years, and a few every six years.

We ask how expensive will it be to repair? He says more than you make in a year, however he does have a payment plan financed through W.S. Asioros-BernandestBanc. Unfortunately they are the only lender that will finance such an expensive repair. The interest rate is adjustable and it will take about fifty years to pay back.

The mechanic says, heck don’t worry about it, you’re kids will make the final payments, but at least they’ll have a fully functioning car.

We ask if there are any warranties we can purchase to prevent this from recurring? The mechanic says there are only two available, ObamaCar, and Dodge-Frank.

He tells us they are so voluminous, containing so many dictates for unnecessary procedures to keep the warranty intact, that they actually risk corrupting the system again. They are more expensive than they’re worth.

The mechanic says that’s the price you pay when the head component is corrupted. Should have ordered the Car Fox before we bought it.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of Fritz Pfister or identified sources, and not necessarily those of RE/MAX Professionals of Springfield or RE/MAX International.

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