Children of the Damned: When Third Graders Attack

Posted: Apr 05, 2008 4:18 PM
Children of the Damned: When Third Graders Attack

Nine angelic third graders in a Waycross, Georgia elementary school were harassed by the police this week for plotting their teacher’s bloody demise.

It seems as if these tiny sweethearts had their day ruined when some judgmental kid snitched on them and they were caught—innocently enough—with a steak knife, duct tape, handcuffs, and a to-do list for each of the pre-pubescent playmates. I’m sure they meant no harm.

The industrious wee little honeys were so meticulous in their plans to proactively adjust their instructor’s bellicose behavior that they even had detailed arrangements to scrub the crime scene of any trace of evidence. Those little rascals. Brings a tear to your eye, eh?

Now, why were these darlings so righteously indignant that they were compelled to act in such a way that, possibly, might not positively release their full potential in a self-esteem enhancing manner?

Well, it appears that their repressive, anachronistic, locked in a 1950s time warp where the teacher in fact ran the class, educator actually crossed the line by correcting one of the honeys who was simply trying to entertain the class by standing in his chair while the instructor was attempting to teach.

What a witch. What was that nazi chick thinking?

Doesn’t the teacher know that she can’t correct these children who are simply displaying their creativity and releasing their unique gifts in a demonstrative way? Doesn’t the teacher know that such an authoritative and harsh action on her part (e.g. attempting to stifle the child’s free spirit by telling him to sit his butt down) could forever bruise the student’s inner child?

Hey, teacher. Leave them kids alone!

Y’know, according to the experts, it’s because of a teacher’s power trip, Christian values and lack of sensitivity that students (and their parents, too!) are:

• forced to drop the F-bomb upon educators with regularity,

• forced to threaten them with lawsuits,

• forced to create utter chaos in class,

• forced to slit their teacher’s tires if need be,

• and, as in this case, left with no other option but to tape ‘em down and carve ‘em up if the school marm ain’t going to bow and kiss the kid’s ring.

What sane person among us would fault these wounded leaders of tomorrow? What’s that, you say? You say you would? You think they’re spoiled demoniacs?

Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sometimes I get loopy after I watch the Bravo network or listen to too many Reverend Wright sermons.

It appears that young students today have now solidly tapped into ancient demons, and I pity the grossly underpaid teachers who have to field their crap in class on a daily basis. I speak to teachers across the nation via my column and, and the good ones are at wit’s-frickin’-end because the kids have figured out that they can do whatever the heck they want—and there’s really nothing a teacher can do about it.

I was watching a cable talk show featuring a panel of morons sitting around speculating about what had gone wrong in the Waycross, Georgia incident to spawn such children of the damned. I was sitting back thinking, this is easy math, Goober.

Are you ready? Here’s your answer: Pathetic parents + kids who’ve never had their butt whipped + psychobabble BS + a whopping entitlement mentality + Johnny can do no wrong attitude from the parental unit + too much self-esteem + blowing off God for secularism + violent movies, music, and video games + educators getting their hands tied behind their backs (both figuratively and now, nearly literally) = demonic third graders who’ll plan to duct tape a teacher and slit her throat if she happens to righteously rebuke them.

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