Recently, I spoke at an event in Washington, D.C., where several women courageously shared that they were mothers of children whom they placed for adoption. One woman described the support group she leads. Some of the women in that group are now in their senior years, yet they have never told a husband, pastor, friend, or even a family member that they placed a child for adoption.
Imagine carrying that secret for 60 years.
That isn't privacy. It is a burden no one was meant to bear alone.
The words we use about adoption matter. Sometimes we misspeak and can repair the damage. Other times, careless language leaves wounds that last for decades. As a pastor, I look back at some of the things I've said and cringe.
"Have you thought about giving the baby up for adoption?"
"You're doing the right thing by giving your child away."
Those phrases may be common, but they communicate something profoundly untrue. "Giving up" suggests surrender, failure, or abandonment. It frames adoption as defeat instead of love.
That is not what I witnessed.
The women I met did not “give up” their children. They made a loving, intentional plan for their lives. They carried them to term, endured labor, held them in their arms, and then entrusted them to families they carefully chose because they believed it was in their child's best interest.
That is not abandonment.
It is sacrifice.
The gospel is the story of sacrificial love—placing another's good above our own. Birth mothers who make adoption plans embody that kind of love. They endure pregnancy, childbirth, and unimaginable heartache because they believe their child will flourish. Their courage reflects the self-giving love at the heart of the Christian faith.
Pastors, churches, and all of us who speak about adoption must choose our words more carefully and break the shame and stigma surrounding a courageous, loving decision an expectant mother considers.
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When we casually refer to an adoptive mother as the child's "real mother," we unintentionally erase the woman who gave that child life and lovingly placed them for adoption. Somewhere in the congregation may be a birth mother who has never shared her story. Our words can either honor her sacrifice or deepen her silence.
Recognizing the unique role of a birth mother does not diminish adoptive parents. Adoption is not a competition between two families. It is a story of extraordinary love shared by both.
Language is only part of the problem.
Too many women considering adoption are never given complete and accurate information. Research shows that one in three women who considered adoption said they were not provided the information they needed to make an informed decision.
Many never learn that most adoptions today are open, allowing varying degrees of ongoing contact. They may not know they can help choose the adoptive family or remain connected throughout their child's life.
When women are denied accurate information, they are not truly making an informed choice. Others have limited their ability to choose.
Every expectant mother deserves honest, compassionate counseling about all of her options. Healthcare professionals and social workers should receive better training on discussing adoption, and churches should ensure women facing unexpected pregnancies know they will receive support regardless of the path they choose.
Christians do not need a new theology of adoption. We already have one.
Scripture tells us that God adopted us into His family through Christ. We receive the Spirit of adoption and cry, "Abba, Father." Adoption is one of the Bible's clearest pictures of redemption, belonging, and grace.
The Bible is also filled with stories of faithful caregivers. Moses was raised by Pharaoh's daughter. Esther was raised by Mordecai. Jesus Himself was lovingly raised by Joseph, His earthly father.
If God uses adoption to describe our redemption, then the Church should speak of adoption with the dignity, beauty, and reverence it deserves.
That begins by honoring the women whose sacrificial love made adoption possible.
Many birth mothers have carried their stories quietly for decades, believing no one would understand. It's time for the Church to change that.
Let's retire the language of "giving up."
Let's celebrate the courage it takes to make an adoption plan.
And let's ensure every birth mother knows her loving sacrifice is seen, honored, and remembered.
Dr. Daniel Trippie, Ph.D., serves as Director for Faith Engagement at America First Policy Institute.
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