In a truly historic achievement for the GOP and America, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi passed the gavel to Congressman John Boehner (R - OH), making him the first ever Orange-American to become Speaker of The House. "When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House in 2006, it was a watershed moment for women across America, and when Barack Obama became President in 2008, that too was a breakthrough for America," noted historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. "John Boehner's ascension to the Speaker's position is just such a moment for orange men and women across this great nation."
"I am so grateful, and so proud, to be an American," an excited and very orange Boehner told constituents in Washington DC today, many of whom came on a bus from Ohio for the event. "I have always believed in the open mindedness and basic fairness of the American people to judge its leaders not on the color of a person's skin, but the content of our character."
The cast of MTV's Jersey Shore was seen celebrating at The Delano Hotel in South Beach today, and though not a single cast member has ever voted in an election, all were wearing Boehner T-shirts and celebrating the historic occasion. "Its was like the most like unf ****ing believable thing I ever seen (sic)," said an ecstatic Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino, one of the stars of the popular reality show. "I ain't been this proud since the Sopranos ruled HBO!"
The President of the American Tanning Association was beaming too. "We haven't had this high profile a politician representing us this proudly since Bob Dole," said Matt Matthews. "Boehner is the George Hamilton of politics, and already, bookings at salons across America are up 15%."
Matthews hoped that with this election, orange people across America, and more importantly, aspiring orange people across America, will finally feel accepted and become part of the American quilt.
"Orange isn't a color in the rainbow," noted Clarissa Claremont, the head of the National Association for the Advancement of Orange people, "but we can now all proudly say that orange is beautiful!"
Syracuse University announced today that Speaker Boehner would be considered an honorary Orangeman and awarded a Honorary Doctorate immediately. "This is a great moment for us," said Coach Jim Boeheim. We couldn't be happier for John."
Last but not least, the performance artists known as The Orange Man Group were giddy. "All of these years, our act has been every bit as good as The Blue Man Group. But because of the color of our skin, we have been treated as a 3rd rate act."
The Orange Man Group has already signed an exclusive 26 night run at The Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas, and the group's management indicated that bookings have soared since Boehner's induction.
By Lee Habeeb
Habeeb is the VP of Content at Salem Radio Network