Dear Planned Parenthood:
Today, I write to you about an important topic: environmentally-correct biodegradable bags. No, I’m not talking about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. I’m talking about the kind of bags that don’t leave a long-term negative effect on future generations of Americans.
It has come to my attention that numerous abortion clinics in our region are using plastic bags instead of the kind of biodegradable bags one can easily find when surfing on the internet. In fact, I just called the local office of Planned Parenthood in Wilmington, NC. I found that they, too, are using standard plastic bags for all of their waste disposal needs.
In response to this problem, I logged on to my university website to see whether I could find some student activists to help remedy this situation. While I was on the site, I found a group called the “Environmental Concerns Organization” or ECO. Here’s how the group describes itself on our educational website:
Purpose: To increase interest in enviromental activism. This includes promoting solutions to local, state and national enviromental problems on and off campus.
Group Type: Political/ Activist.
Meetings: Mondays at 7:00 p.m.
Of course, the fact that this environmental group does not know how to spell the word “environmental” concerns me. I don’t want to go to work cleaning up the environment with this group until they clean up their spelling. Bad spelling makes for a really bad educational environment.
So, in other words, I’ll be working directly with you if you see fit to implement my modest environmental proposal. Working directly with you may produce swifter results for everyone involved.
Whenever I mow my lawn – in other words, whenever I can’t find any illegal aliens – I use BioBag compostable biodegradable lawn & leaf bags. By the way, BioBag products are certified as compostable and biodegradable by ASTM standards. BioBag is the world’s largest manufacturer of compostable bags and biodegradable bags and has designed a biodegradable lawn and leaf bag that is better for Mother Earth than plastic. They are made from corn and other renewable resources and, therefore, will completely biodegrade in a compost bin in a matter of days.
At my own expense, I am going to provide Planned Parenthood with a lifetime supply of these bags – although you will have to pay for lawn care with your own resources.
Recently, the city of San Francisco selected BioBag to promote a residential food waste collection program. The Bay City is sending 100,000 rolls of BioBags to residents with the goal of helping educate consumers on the importance of keeping food and other biodegradable waste out of landfills. San Francisco residents can even purchase additional supplies at 100 outlets in the bay area.
Spurred on by this unbelievable generosity, I am going to give Planned Parenthood a lifetime supply of BioBag 13 gallon kitchen bags. Employees can use these biodegradable bags to dispose of food products they consume during lunch and break time.
BioBags also makes great products for pet waste. Previously, the best solution for disposal of pet waste has been to separate it from the bag or paper and flush it down the toilet. But BioBags expands your environmentally correct options. The waste and the bag can be thrown in the back yard compost where both items can decompose naturally. Or the waste and bag can be buried where micro-organisms will quickly eat both. Finally, the waste and bag can be set at curbside with other yard waste where communities collect biodegradable waste for composting.
BioBags makes products for the waste of both large and small dogs. The large dog BioBags are big enough to house the remains of a human fetus following an abortion procedure. Therefore, I have decided to give Planned Parenthood a lifetime supply of the bags to distribute to abortion clinics around the nation.
When we dispose of a fetus we should use a biodegradable bag instead of mere plastic. Working together, we can preserve Mother Earth for future generations.