One of the great things about the World Cup happening in the United States is all these foreigners coming over here and experiencing America for the first time without the lens of their communist media lying to them. And there’s been no bigger surprise, as evidenced by countless YouTube and X videos, than the Euros’ reaction to our food. That’s because America’s food kicks butt. It’s amazing. We’ve got a lot of great stuff, and there’s a lot of it. And that’s just one more reason why we’re better than everybody else. Or at least we were.
Now, I don’t want to disrespect foreigners and their food—well, some foreigners. You have to actively look for a bad meal in Italy. France is okay, but more hit-and-miss than you might expect. I do highly recommend French pizza, which they often serve with a hot oil sauce that is pretty amazing. But Euro portions tend to be small, their drinks lack ice, and their meat often has this kind of weird taste, like wet newsprint. And some cultures are actively awful when it comes to food. The British are just hopeless. If you like schnitzel, you’re golden in Germany, but that’s about it. I have no idea what the Austrians eat, and I’ve been there.
They’ve had a chance to see what we’ve got to offer, and it’s kind of blown their minds. Watching Britons, who have eaten nothing but boiled beans and kippers, chowing down on succulent ribs has been a delight. But we do have to confront some problems here in the United States with our own food. Some of it’s devolving. I don’t want to talk badly about my own country, but let’s face some facts. Even as our prices go through the roof—I have trouble getting a decent sit-down breakfast for under 40 bucks—the quality of a lot of our food is going downhill. Now don’t tell the foreigners. We’re still better than they are. But we need to confront this problem and resolve it.
One of the benefits of America is that we’ve pretty much got the best of everything here. See, immigration isn’t all bad. But the funny thing is we end up eating their holiday food, their best stuff, the stuff they only have on special occasions. It’s not like in China that they’re continually chowing down on General Tso’s chicken. It’s more like roast beaks with a side of pangolin gonads. Yikes.
Not wanting to be a complainer, I’m still going to complain. We’re having some serious problems with American food. Sure, you can get a good steak here. Everybody makes a steak, and there are plenty of top-shelf places that do it. But if you’ve tried getting good Italian food lately? I have, because I love Italian food. And you know what? I can’t find any good Italian food in LA anymore. What happened? But it’s not only Los Angeles. I keep going to other cities where they’re supposed to have good Italian food. I get recommendations, try it, and it’s bland and blah. Where the hell did good Italian food go? I mean, I can make better Italian food in my kitchen than anyone else, and I cook like JB Pritzker breakdances. Maybe that’s the key—follow him around because you know he knows the best places. If Pritzker and Chris Christie are eating there, you know it’s good.
Speaking of all-you-can-eat, the food on the conservative Gulf of America Cruise will be terrific. I’ve sailed Holland America before. It will be awesome—come aboard.
And here’s another beef I have, and you may disagree, but I’m having trouble finding good pizza. Even my old tried-and-true pizza places are beginning to fail me, and it’s eating at my soul. I just can’t, for the life of me, find a great pizza anywhere in America. I was in Chicago, and I went to one of the allegedly classic deep-dish pizza places. Everybody was very nice, and that was fine, but the pizza was… not that great. It was just okay. I have now reached the level of disappointment previously only experienced by a Bulwark staffer’s wife on her wedding night.
Is it that everything is so expensive that they’re going for cheaper ingredients? Is it that the people just don’t care? I’ve noticed a decline in service since COVID, even as demand for tips has risen dramatically. You get those little electronic things, and the minimum tip starts at 18 percent and goes up to about 74 percent. Look, I think it’s a sign of class to tip well, but if you want a 30 percent tip, you better have given me a kidney, and I don’t mean it as an entrée.
Back to Chinese food. For the life of me, I can’t find Chinese food that’s good anymore. I look and look, and the best I can find is a B-minus. I try high-end places and no dice. I’m told the only good Chinese food is at places that look like dives, and they’re crappy, too. Why can’t I find decent Chinese food?
I will say this: Middle Eastern and Mediterranean food is having a renaissance. A Zankou Chicken just opened within a few miles of my house, and it’s glorious. But most cuisines are just okay at best. It’s very disappointing. And here’s something that wounds me to the core of my being: Most barbecue is just okay. In fact, some of my old staples have been failing me in the last few years. Half the reason I moved to Houston part-time was access to barbecue, and there’s good barbecue there, but there’s also meh barbecue. And Buc-ee’s brisket sandwich? It’s terrible. Bland brisket may wow the Euro trash, but you’ve gotta do better if you’re gonna please the KDawg.
Now let’s talk hamburgers. The hamburger is a classic American food, and it is ubiquitous. But, like most things, most hamburgers are mediocre. One thing I can’t abide—and I’ve brought this up before to much consternation—is the whole smashburger thing. It’s been overdone, much like the smashburgers themselves. Overcooked and dry is not a technique, people. But you can still get good burgers. The best high-end cheeseburger out there is at Hillstone’s (which used to be Houston’s, but isn’t anymore for some reason). It’s a normal straight-up cheeseburger with good meat and a fluffy bun. Perfect. I’m tired of weird burgers. I don’t need an egg on it or cod or banana slices. Just focus on the meat and bun and get those right. You don’t need to do more than that.
Okay, let’s talk fast food. I don’t know what the hell happened to McDonald’s. That used to be the hangover cure du jour. It was never great. It was always just good enough. Now it’s rarely even good enough. And that Big Arch atrocity that they just had? I’ve had better food from an MRE bag.
By the way, the best MRE entrée is chili mac, and I will fight you.
Continuing with fast food, Jack in the Box was always awful, except at 2 AM, and it has somehow gotten worse. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am with Burger King. When I was a kid, Burger King was the bomb. I tried a Whopper a while ago, and it made me long for death. You can get a little fancier with Shake Shack, but it’s not that good. Five Guys is okay if you want to take out a second mortgage. Now, Carl’s Jr. (a.k.a. Hardee’s on the East Coast) is pretty good. That was my first job as a teenager, and I still love me a Famous Star. And In-N-Out Burger remains fantastic. The fries are a little wonky, but the burgers live up to their rep.
America’s restaurateurs need to lean into this. You guys are slipping. I don’t know if you’re cutting corners on ingredients, rushing things, or what, but I’m noticing a significant decline in quality, and that is unacceptable. We’re Americans. We’re not a bunch of easily impressed foreigners. We demand more.
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