With the recusal of ancient Governor Janet Mills—she was just too normal to compete in today's slippery-slope-to-totalitarianism Donkey Party—Maine’s Democrats are about to nominate a guy who generates more punchlines than a Don Rickles roast. He’s really got it all. He’s stupid, offensive, a spoiled rich kid, a commie, and so much more. His schtick is that he’s just a working-class oysterman, a stubble-bearded blue-collar guy who’s going to give all those billionaires who are oppressing Mainers what for. But when anybody thinks of him, they’re thinking of him as Herr Oberstoysterfuhrer.
You know, the guy with the Nazi tattoo.
Let’s understand that it’s not just a Nazi tattoo. It’s a Nazi tattoo, squared. The swastika was not enough for this guy. He had to take it to the next level. He had to go get the Totenkopf, which is the symbol of the guys who ran the concentration camps, ground into his pecs. He didn’t just get a pin from one of their caps and keep it in a drawer. It’s not on a T-shirt. He lay back and endured considerable physical pain to have somebody etch it into his skin forever. And again, it’s not enough for him to be showing solidarity with the Nazis as he goose-steps across the stage. He’s got to show solidarity with the specific Nazis who specifically murdered the Jews specifically. But see, that’s on-brand, because he doesn’t like the Jews very much. And Jews, don’t you feel special, because he doesn’t seem to like anybody. Thank you, Internet, where nothing ever dies. That's how we know how he feels about blacks, gays, Christians, women who say “No,”and Mainers. Summing it up, he’s not a fan.
But hey, maybe we’re being a little hard on him. To be sure, he’s got some excuses about why it’s not his fault that he was running around with a Nazi tattoo for most of his adult life. After all, who among us hasn't spent a couple of decades with a symbol of genocidal mass murder imprinted just underneath his right nipple? Well, all of us, but let’s hear Himmler out. He claims he had no idea what it was. Sure, for decades he had no idea what the thing he paid money for some guy to grind into he flesh was. When he saw "Schindler’s List," whose happy ending ruined it for him, he must have thought it looked cool and failed to connect the dots.
That’s Excuse Number One, that he's a half-wit. Excuse Number Two is, “Well, I was in the military, and you know how they are, and I just kind of fell in with that bad crowd.” Yes, he’s blaming the military for his Nazi tattoo. The guy is adding blue falconry to his lengthy list of personal failures. I spent 27 years in the military and never met one single guy with a Nazi tattoo. Maybe I just didn’t get around as much. Maybe we didn’t run in the same circles. Or maybe he’s just That Guy, the problem child dirtbag that every single unit has, and who everyone wants to throw a blanket party for.
Now, there’s a third possibility, and it’s not really an excuse. It’s that he is lying. He totally knew what Der Tramp Stampen was and liked it and got it on purpose and only covered it when he got recruited for this Senate campaign, but before it became known. Being entirely consistent with his entire worldview, this explanation seems the most likely one. After all, he’s a big fan of Hamas, and Hamas feels about Jews like…well, Graham Platner feels about Jews. By the way, this is the first time I mentioned his name, yet you knew exactly who I was talking about—the guy with the Nazi tattoo.
Yet, Maine Democrats seem to like this guy, though not as much as out-of-staters, who gave him 87% of his cash. He’s loud and stupid, and that seems to be the Democrat vibe du jour for 2026. He’ll certainly fit in in the Dem Senate caucus—with his insistence that all chicks are just asking for it, he’ll be a great running buddy for Ruben Gallego now that Eric Swalwell’s been #MeToo’d into oblivion. Ladies, you've been warned!
Establishment Democrats are very nervous, as they should be, because, you know, the guy has a Nazi tattoo, and all the rationalizations of lefty podcaster, politicians, and commie randos can't rationalize that away. They are still trying, but it is tough because, you know, it’s a Nazi tattoo, and they just spent a month faking outrage at Elon Musk for waving at people, as if that was evidence he wanted to be the headliner at Nuremberg.
Their new argument is that “OK, he had a Nazi tattoo, but do you really think he’s an actual Nazi? Come on! He’s not a national socialist. He’s a different kind of socialist!” He did call himself a “communist,” and he explicitly channels Bernie Sanders, so all the pieces fit. Maybe he doesn’t idolize Hitler. Instead, he idolizes Stalin.
He’s on the record as stating that, “I am not a secret Nazi.” Well, when you get a Nazi tattoo, it’s not much of a secret. It brings to mind the 2010 Delaware Senate race when Christine O’Donnell (R-Salem) declared, “I’m not a witch.” And she’s not a senator either.
So, how is this rich kid cosplaying as a working man going to play in Maine, where its famously independent voters have elected the only Republican in all of New England? He’s up against Susan Collins, the moderate Republican beloved by many of us hard-core right-wingers for her toughness and dedication to her state, as well as coming through with common sense when we need it. Go ahead and think that Susan Collins isn’t as right-wing as she could be—I think she could be more right-wing, but I don’t get a vote because I’m not from Maine. She’s a splash of red in a sea of blue, and that’s good enough. In fact, you’d love to live in a city run by the likes of Susan Collins. She’s not a bomb thrower like we are; she’s just a solid, good-government type with integrity. In a city run by Susan Collins, you could leave your keys in your car, there’d be no potholes, and the only crime to speak of would be a bunch of rowdy teens tee-peeing a moose. In a city run by Graham Platner, you’d have hobos squatting on the street corners, drug addicts infesting the park, and sinkholes on Main Street. The only difference between a city where Platner is der Fuhrer—I mean “mayor”—and a regular Democrat blue city is that he would probably order his municipal employees to invade Poland.
All the polls say Susan Collins is down, but don’t buy it. After all, Platner’s volk were looking like they’d win in 1942, but this election’s not until the figurative 1945. All the polls in 2020—and I mean all of them—had Susan Collins polling down against the relatively normal Democrat who was running against her then. And by normal Democrat, I mean somebody who was socialist-adjacent but who doesn’t literally have a Nazi tattoo imprinted onto her décolletage. And Collins still beat her handily.
That’s the thing about Maine. Maine voters are rugged and independent, and they clearly don’t like outsiders telling them who they’re going to vote for. The normal ones are not going to talk to pollsters. The Democrats, in what passes for Maine’s big city, are more than happy to explain to a pollster that, “Yes, I’m delighted about the opportunity to vote for the guy with a Nazi tattoo. He’s better than Donald Trump because Donald Trump is a Nazi, you know.”
But here’s another thing about Susan Collins. She’s not a novelty act like this freak. She’s a real politician, an old-school one. She and the GOP are going to make sure everyone knows about this degenerate commie poser. She’s also the chair of the Senate’s Appropriations Committee. That means she spends money. That means there are tens of thousands of Mainers who owe her their jobs. She delivers. Do you think if Graham Platner gets elected, a Republican Senate—the Dems will not take the Senate, partly due to candidates like this guy—is going to send one cent to Bath Iron Works and reward him? Ha! Let’s see if you can eat hatred for Donald Trump, because that’s what’s on the menu in Maine if you lose Susan Collins.
This Dummkopf with the Totenkopf is going to get his tail kicked all over the Maple Syrup State by Susan Collins. He’s going to waste a ton of money because out-of-staters think they’re somehow going to tell Mainers what to do. Ha! Maine is the graveyard of Susan Collins’s challengers, and next November she’s going to bury Lil’ Adolf with the rest her political opponents. And the beautiful thing is, the next time the Democrats start whining about how Republicans are Nazis, we’re going to smile and say, “At least we didn’t vote for the guy with the Nazi tattoo.”
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