I love April, but as a self-employed writer, I’m knee-deep in tax receipts and spreadsheet misery.
I love to hear what our great minds have said about their own tax miseries:
“We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” — Winston Churchill
“I don’t know if I can live on my income or not — the government won’t let me try it.” — Bob Thaves
“They can’t collect legal taxes from illegal money.” — Al Capone
Hey, Al, you make me want to get into the bookie business.
Here are more gems:
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” — Albert Einstein
“Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income tax form than it does to make the income.” — Alfred E. Neuman
“A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.” — Anonymous
You got that right, Anonymous. The more we make, the more our silent partner, the government, takes.
Here’s more on tax pain:
“You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes.” — Chris Rock
“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.” — Calvin Coolidge
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” — Dave Barry
Dave, I wish you were still writing your hilarious column — especially during tax time.
Here’s more tax sense:
“America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.” — Laurence J. Peter
“What the government gives it must first take away.” — John S. Coleman
“Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay.” — Milton Friedman
Hey, Milton, somebody needs to explain that fiction to New York City voters.
And more:
“A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.” — Russell B. Long
“I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money.” — Arthur Godfrey
“Taxation with representation ain’t so hot, either.” — Gerald Barzan
Believe it or not, the IRS used to publish these humorous tax quotes on its website:
“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.” — Unknown
“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.” — Will Rogers
“Where there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income.” — Plato
Well, then, Plato, I guess tax woes have been around for a while.
As I prepare endless tax details for my CPA, at least I can find joy in these great quotes:
“A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait for tax time.” — Unknown
“Did you ever notice that when you put the words ‘the’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells ‘THEIRS’?” — Unknown
“The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it’s more like a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone
Find Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos of his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at Tom@TomPurcell.com.