"Confessions of a Special Needs Dad" is a series of articles related to parenting disabled children. Larry O'Connor's previous articles on this topic can be found here, here, and here.
That moment you discover that your parenting journey with your child will not be the cookie-cutter, "typical" experience described in reams and reams of parenting books, articles and blogs is one that most parents won't soon forget.
In my last column in this series on parenting disabled children, I described my oldest child's diagnosis with cerebral palsy. This column addresses my experiences learning that my youngest child, EJ, was on the autism spectrum.
EJ was our fourth child in seven years.
His mother and I were eager to be parents after we got married, and by our second anniversary, Quinn was born. Veronica, 20 months later, and Christian, three years after that. Two years after our third child, we had our second boy, and our matching set was complete.
Two girls and two boys. Everything worked out perfectly. Our first two children would be great big sisters to our two little boys. Everything went exactly according to our plan.
What's that old Yiddish proverb? Man makes plans, and God laughs.
EJ began developing like all of our children did. At the same pace and right on schedule. He was born in 2007, so the "warning signs" for autism were pretty well known, and most parents of newborns have their eye out for them.
We were told to look out for possible delays in eye contact, social interaction, and, most significantly, language development.
Baby EJ and even young toddler EJ were exactly like his typical older siblings. He would giggle, laugh, eat like a horse, and even early language skills started to develop right on pace with our first three children.
Around two years old, things started to change, and he started to show some regression.
(I want to pause here and address what many parents in a similar circumstance might immediately be thinking. Two years old also happens to be the time when children receive a big round of inoculations. I know that many people believe in their hearts that there is a connection between children on the autism spectrum and the vaccination regime prescribed at American children's 24-month pediatric checkups. In a future column, I will discuss my personal exploration of this issue, but I would like to save that for another time.)
It's at the age of two to two-and-a-half where children really start to accelerate their language development, and EJ didn't go much further than one-syllable words. There wasn't a whole lot of babbling baby talk at this time, either. He had "mama" and "daddy" down pretty well, but other words would only come with prompting, and he wouldn't proactively use his voice to ask for things or to react to things.
EJ also developed a fascinating behavior that really caught my eye and made me suspicious that he was experiencing some kind of developmental phenomenon.
In our house, we eagerly embrace great educational television. All of our children benefited from great shows and videos that are designed to help children learn language and social skills and develop reading and math skills. I was raised on "Sesame Street" and "Electric Company," and all of my children benefited greatly from "Blue's Clues."
Steve Burns has a special place in my heart for being my kids' best friend as they got through their toddler years.
So, just like his three older siblings, EJ had an early and regular exposure to Steve, Blue, Periwinkle, and the whole gang. Unlike his three older siblings, EJ would take sheets of paper and a crayon and start drawing on them while he watched "Blue's Clues." We thought he was imitating Steve and his "handy dandy notebook," and he probably was.
The thing is, this behavior became obsessive. While EJ watched, he would have to have some sort of writing instrument in his hand. A crayon, a pen, a pencil... whatever he could get his hands on. And he would sit and watch and draw circles – nothing but circles.
Overlapping circles. Concentric circles. He would end with a sheet full of circles. Often he would run out of room on the paper, and the circles would continue on our hardwood floors.
Now there's nothing unusual about a toddler drawing on your floors or your walls or your piano. But there was something unique about this behavior. As I said... it was obsessive.
"I think we should have him looked at," says parent number one.
"Oh, he's fine. You've been watching too much cable news in the morning," responds parent number two.
It doesn't really matter which parent fills which role in this all-too-familiar conversation, but generally, parent number one is m, and parent number two is dad. In my case, it was actually the opposite. But either way, there is often a discussion between mom and dad about whether their child might have early indications of autism that sometimes can end up rather contentious.
Either way, I strongly urge you to have your child examined at the age of two-and-a-half if you have any suspicion that there may be some kind of developmental delay or something that looks like an autism disorder. The earlier you can get in front of this, the better for your child.
Mom and dad are asked a ton of questions during this evaluation, and our instinct is to try to brag on our kids, right? We may even exaggerate how great our kids are when we're hanging out at backyard picnics and comparing our kids during playtime at Gymboree. But when your child's being evaluated by a specialist regarding the autism spectrum, this is not the time to sugarcoat anything. You lay it all out there.
Let me be as blunt as possible: it is better to have your two-and-a-half-year-old erroneously diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum than it is to miss the opportunity for early intervention. If you point out all of the concerns you might have had about your child's development and there is a suspicion that they may be on the spectrum, the worst possible outcome is that you will have additional assistance and opportunities to further your child's development. If a year or two later it's determined that they are not autistic, there's been no harm at all, right?
EJ's evaluation came in, and we were told that he was, in fact, on the autism spectrum.
In my next column, I'll talk about how I reacted and how lost I felt and how angry I was and how depressed I got and how foolish I behaved. It won't be easy for me, but what I'm going to share with you and what I learned from the experience is exactly what I needed to hear from someone else at this moment in my life, and it was nowhere to be found. That's why I'm sharing it with you, and hopefully, it will do some good.