Look, Democrats, speaking sincerely as your friend, understand that everyone who says you need to take a deep look at yourselves is a racist, sexist, homophobe who won’t even ask about your preferred pronoun. Whatever you do, don’t you ever change.
Don’t be fooled by how America tossed out over a thousand Democrat legislators since Barack Obama was crowned, or by the way that people chose Donald Trump over that sexy beast you wanted to coronate. They seek to sway you from the progressive path with facts and evidence, but facts and evidence are bourgeois constructs weaponized by patriarchal penis-people of pallor!
Fight the power, damn it! Look in the mirror and repeat after me:
I’m special.
I’m uniquely blessed with moral insights from somewhere – definitely not God.
I’m right.
And everyone else is wrong.
In the immortal words of Eighties Aussie rock legends INXS, let’s tie a belt around our necks and pretend everything’s going to work out fine.
No, wait.
Don’t change. That’s it.
Don’t change a thing, Democrats.
The problem isn’t you. It’s those stupid idiots who won’t obey you because they’re stupid idiots. How can those idiots be so stupid?
Who knows? But what’s clear is that it’s not your fault. It’s theirs. So when the going gets tough, and you aren’t making progress – in fact, when you’re moving backwards – what’s the smart play? Double down!
Hey, the dealer’s showing an ace in a face-heavy deck and you’ve got a six, what do you do? Double down!
Double down on Russians! So Trump flattened their buddy’s air force? Big whoop. It’s pretty clear that was some sort of cunning 4-D chess move a complete buffoon like The Donald would make – or not! He’s totally guilty of something, because he has to be! Don’t let yourselves be fooled by the utter lack of any evidence of Russian collusion from The One’s intensive wiretapping efforts getting spilled to house organs like WaPo and the NYT. Just ignore the fact that the Obamaminons in the federal government usually leak harder than Bernie Sanders at a tickle party!
Double down on tax returns! People care! Doubtless somewhere in his tax returns is the smoking gun where Trump scribbled “I [heart] Vlad!” right on them in big letters like it was some sort of IRS Form 1040-Pee Chee. Sure, Rachael Geraldo Maddow looked foolish when Don Capone’s vault came up a dry hole – $38 million in taxes is a lot of money even to a Clinton – but clearly that dumb, stupid, idiot, moron of dumbness Trump tricked her into it!
Double down on familiar faces! Don’t buy the idea that your leaders are wizened windbags a decade past their sell-by dates. Nothing says sexy like Chuck Schumer. He’s hotter than Bobby Sherman! And the kids love their Nancy Pelosi, the Lena Dunham of the Chardonnay-and-Volvo set.
Plus, you have a terrific bench full of up-and-commie superstars! How about that Chelsea? America eagerly awaits 2024, because America wants Jeb Clinton.
America needs Jeb Clinton.
Don’t make our mistake. When the Republicans managed to lose to Faily McWorsethancarter in 2012, we stupidly looked inwards like a bunch of suckers. Both officially and unofficially, the party reexamined its premises, thought through what it had been doing, and like a bunch of dummies, asked itself what it could do better. The results were a bit surprising – it turned out that the people it expected to show up and vote for its candidates weren’t exactly in tune with the people back in Washington who thought they knew what was best. And what happened next was ugly.
Remember Eric Cantor? No, me neither. And adios to K Street Johnny Boy Boehner, the guy with 100% of the cheesiness factor of the Rat Pack and 0% of the cool.
Republicans discovered that 58-year old voters supporting their families on $35 an hour whose jobs some rich donor was shipping to Juarez needed a better answer than, “Well, if you ever read Milton Friedman, you’d know that you’re obsolete. Go learn computers or something. Maybe you can land a data entry gig for $10.25 an hour. Maybe.”
Republicans realized that while importing a zillion serfs from Third Worldistan might help make Milton Wellington von Moneybags marginally richer, their own constituents were having to put up with their jobs getting taken – after they trained their replacements – and their kids getting shot, either by gangbangers or by jihad-loving freaks. We learned that perhaps calling our own voters “racist” for objecting to being figuratively passed around the cellblock was counter-productive.
And before our re-think, we Republicans thought our voters were up for pretty much any war. Sure, our constituents have always defended this country, but after the last 15 year cluster-fark, they had gotten a tad disenchanted with getting blown-up whilst being moved around the international chessboard by a coterie bow-tied tuffboys who never had to worry about the lead heading their way. It turns out our voters were only for wars that were important enough to our security that we actually intended on winning them.
Who would have thought it? Well, a party that did the hard work of looking at itself and figuring out where it went wrong. But you Democrats don’t need to do that. You’re perfect just the way you are.
Run someone in Louisiana who thinks it’s open season on a baby any time before that last toe slips out? Hell yeah! Those Cajun cousin kissers will take what you give them and like it!
Put someone on the ballot in deer hunting country in Pennsylvania who thinks the Second Amendment’s recognition of our God-given right to keep and bear arms means we get to keep and bear arms? Hell no! You Democrats must ensure that every Democrat candidate everywhere embodies the passions and the prejudices of weenie San Francisco tech dorks!
Now, I’m telling you this as a friend, the same kind of a friend you are to working people, to our troops, to American patriots: I sincerely hope that you stick to your principles, that you never doubt yourselves, and that you never waver.
You’re perfect just the way you are.
Don’t you ever change.