All of America, by which I mean all of the liberal media gimps in New York and Washington, cooed and quivered in climactic contentment to the House Democrats’ recent civil rights protest in which the House Democrats protested against civil rights. And the Dems were totally sincere about it – perish the thought that it was some kind of tacky performance art designed to fundraise from the aging Aquarians, the Constitution-hating juice box hipsters, and the bitter, unfulfilled, unloved ex-wives who make up the non-welfare drawing bulk of the Democrat Party. No, it was totally for the children.
All the Democrats really want is to do something for the children by voting on some commonsense measures to stop the bloodshed not caused by straight, Republican, NRA members who pledge allegiance to Jesus. And Paul Ryan should let them have their vote! And here are some measures that the Speaker should bring to the floor so the Democrats can go on record showing exactly, precisely where they stand.
The “No Fly, Good-Bye” Act: Since apparently anyone the government chooses to put on a list is such a manifest danger that we cannot possibly take even a second to provide the basics of due processes, why take chances? How about a law that says if you are on some government list of potential terrorists, and you are not a citizen, you must be deported. Like, immediately. You know, within days after getting put on the list – though that makes the dubious assumption that the government can find them. But since these are foreigners who have no right to be here anyway, if the feds manage to find them then we don’t need to bother with any mean old due process!
Don’t our children deserve a safe country? Our children, damn it! So if these people are so awful they can’t be allowed to fly or buy guns then they should totally be kicked out of America and sent back to the Seventh Century hellholes from which they slithered. Right? Sure, Democrats love immigrants for reasons totally unrelated to their tendency to vote for the party that offers them free money, but we just can’t take the chance, because we all know America is awash in guns and you can order a machine automatic assault cannon with a 71 bullet clip off the interwebs for half-hour delivery by NRA drone without a background check because of loopholes. So we need to do this for the children of all ages.
The “Citizens Can Have the Same Guns As Protect Politicians” Act: You know, fairness is important. That’s why we should ask the Democrats to go on record ensuring that regular Americans are not second class citizens. How about bringing to the floor a bill that states that no security official guarding any government official shall be allowed to carry any more effective weapon than the most effective weapon a normal citizen is allowed to carry in that jurisdiction. If, say, members of Congress get to be protected by scary black rifles, shouldn’t we all be able to protect ourselves with scary black rifles? Now, the members of Congress could totally give up their protection by guys with scary black rifles; a lot of smug, neckbeared femboys on Twitter snark about how the Second Amendment only protects muskets and so Congress is free to protect itself with flintlocks. Why would anyone need an assault rifle anyway? After all, children, right?
Oh wait, in Washington, D.C., citizens can’t carry guns. Awkward! Well, I guess then our government officials in Washington will have to do without their guards carrying guns too. But then, they could always move the Capitol to a free state like Texas where citizens have rights. We call that a feature, not a bug.
Now, there may be some arguments back, like pointing out the threat to government officials. Let me answer those objections this way: Children.
The “Stop the Democrat Inner City Massacre” Act: Everyone is heartbroken by the bloodshed on the streets of blue state, Democrat-run, big cities like Chicago where our children are being killed by the score. Everyone on the pro-gun freedom side is talking about it – you hear us talk about it all the time, but not one damn word about it from Obama and the rest of the liberal #Caring Corps.
Well, here’s their chance to save some children! As we’ve seen, these big city police departments are under a lot of pressure by liberal city officials not to enforce gun laws because doing so is politically disadvantageous – for instance, New York’s Bill De Blasio stopped the stop and frisk program that was saving many young lives. Well, they need to be held accountable for their policies, so let’s allow individuals to sue city governments that choose not to protect their citizens in order to curry favor with their leftist pals! If human decency won’t motivate them, maybe protecting the municipal slush funds that are the big city budgets will! Also, children. And kids.
The “We Aren’t Coming for Your Guns” Act: Now, we’ve all heard from the liberals that we’re crazy and kooky and nuts for taking them at their word about wanting to confiscate our guns. Well, we can be a little twitchy when we think we hear what we actually hear, but hey – let’s move past that! It’s time for the GOP to make it easy for them to go on record about how they don’t want to take our guns with this super simple little law:
All American adults without a mental defect or a disqualifying criminal record have a right to keep and bear effective arms for the defense of themselves, their families, their communities, and their Constitution. No entity or person shall confiscate any firearm in lawful use from any American adult without a mental defect or a disqualifying criminal record, nor shall any entity or person interfere with the ability of such adult to obtain and train with firearms, ammunition and associated equipment. A violation of this Act is a felony and any American adult whose rights under this act are wrongly infringed shall have a civil claim against the infringing individuals and entities and recover punitive damages and attorney’s fees.
This is a separate statutory right from the protections of the Second Amendment made under the authority of the Congress under the Commerce Clause, its power regarding the militia, and other enumerated powers, and the enactment of this Act shall not denigrate the Second Amendment’s protections. This Act shall be construed broadly to ensure Americans are able to keep and bear arms without interference.
Heck, if you are not coming for our guns, how can you object to a law that makes it a crime to come for our guns? You know, children. And young people.
And we just can’t wait, so Speaker Ryan should call all those Democrats back from their vacations to act – because of the children – on these commonsense proposals. And they will be totally thrilled to come, because the Democrats really care about people, especially children, and this whole sit-in thing was totally, completely, absolutely not some cynical, cheesy scam by a bunch of aspiring fascist dorks to separate a bunch of man-bunned geebos and shrill harridans from their money.
Totally thrilled. Because of the children.