I’m writing these words from deep inside my sequestration bunker – bracing for the impact of a three percent budget cut that President Obama said would cause our nation to fall into ruin.
“The One” prophesied this day would come – when jetliners would fall from the skies, when illegal aliens would roam the streets of our cities, and children would no longer be able to read.
The Mayans thought the world would end in 2012 – but President Obama believes it will end today.
But many Americans believe his administration is manufacturing a crisis and one New York University professor suggested Obama was simply making up numbers – hoping it provoked outrage.
To get to the bottom of the crisis, I called Higgins – my confidential source deep inside the Obama Administration.
“Todd, it’s worse than we thought,” Higgins told me –his voice trembling with fear. “We just received some new information from Congresswoman Maxine Waters. She is a mathematician without equal in the Administration. According to her projections, we could lose 170 million jobs.”
That didn’t seem quite right – considering there are roughly 145 million jobs across the fruited plain. But Higgins was defiant.
“If Mrs. Waters says two plus two equals nine, you can take that to the bank,” he said.
Higgins also disputed accusations the Obama Administration was manufacturing a crisis.
“We’ve already had to mothball Air Force One, eliminate Vice President Biden's seven-second delay and the President has to floss alone," Higgins said.
Wow, that’s pretty severe, I replied. "No more Air Force One?"
"We're booking travel through the Priceline Negotiator," he said.
“What about the upcoming state dinner,” I asked.
“We’ve had to let the kitchen staff go – so we’re contracting with Captain D’s,” he said. “Zagat says it's a great little seafood place.”
Higgins said the White House has had a difficult time getting on message because the president has been unable to deliver any meaningful speeches.
“Our fabled orator has been silenced,” he said. “We had to lay off the president’s Telepromter.”
The Dept. of Homeland Security is especially troubled by budget cuts that could reduce the number of TSA agents guarding American airports. But Higgins told me the greatest fear is not terrorists walking unabated onto jetliners.
“Secretary Napolitano fears we could see an increase in prostate and rectal cancer as a result of fewer full-body pat downs and anal probes, Higgins told me.
Due to unanticipated ObamaCare costs, many proctologists discovered they could make more money as coffee house baristas. A growing number of airline passengers were using the TSA as their primary care physicians.
“Sadly, we were counting on those TSA agents to stand in the gap,” he said.
Amidst the reports of disease and pestilence, Higgins did tell me our national crisis has inspired moments of glory.
“We were able to save several significant positions in the administration,” he said, “most notably the grounds keeper at the Andrews Air Force Base Golf Course and the White House Brew Master.”
What about the White House vegetable garden, I wondered.
“Well, there was quite a bit of discussion about who would hoe Mrs. Obama’s garden,” Higgins allowed. “There was a heated debate – but the N.S.A. finally decided it was a matter of national security to weed whack the president’s radishes.”
Suddenly there was a loud commotion. I could hear lots of shouting and cell phones ringing.
“Take us to Def-Con Two, stat,” a deep baritone voice rumbled.
“Higgins, what’s happening?”
I could hear Higgins gasping for air. His voice was hushed.
“Todd, it’s happening,” he said. “Strategic Air Command just picked up an unidentified object advancing on the White House.”
“The North Koreans?”
“No,” he whispered. “It’s the Angel of Death.”
Higgins said the Air Force was dispatching two drones out of Andrews to try and get a lock on the other-worldly being – but he didn’t sound hopeful.
I asked about Plan B.
“We’re going to let Biden answer the door,” he said.
Suddenly, the line went dead and Higgins was no more.
To quote the prophets of old:
“Budget cuts, O Budget Cuts! Blast you, Sequestration! Oh disease and pestilence, Thy stench flares my nostrils. Thus Sweet Lady Liberty Weeps.”