The proliferation of promiscuous tipping is indicative of a bunch of the problems currently at play in America. What is promiscuous tipping? Pretty much anything except giving a cabbie or a waitress 15 percent on top of the bill for decent service. Or throwing a few bucks to a bellboy when he brings up your bags. Or an extra $20 when the delivery guys who aren’t supposed to carry things upstairs help you out by carrying your furniture or whatever up the stairs. Look, tipping is a good thing when used properly. It rewards good service. It provides an incentive for quality. And it’s also a way to help somebody who’s working hard. So, I’m not against tipping — not at all. I’m against tipping abuse, and I was potentially tip-abused today.
Now, some folks don’t like tipping, and I don’t understand that. It’s something we do as a culture. Americans tip. As conservatives, we should celebrate useful traditions, and this is a tradition that promotes positive values like hard work and good service. I think it’s classy to tip well. I think it’s unspeakably unclassy not to. Again, it’s a cultural thing. You’re born into this culture, or you joined it, and you should honor that tradition. You should stop whining about throwing an extra 15 percent on because that’s part of the price.
But all tipping is not created equal, particularly the tipping insanity we see today. Some tipping is a pleasure, like the tip I left on the table at the diner Irina and I frequent. The lovely ladies there know my favorite orders — I don’t have to explain how I like my cheeseburger with everything on it, or how I like my California burrito without French fries but with guacamole. They always say “Hi” and smile, and the three of us always chat pleasantly — with Irina sometimes falling into Spanish with them, which means I assume they’re talking smack about me. And when my burger comes, I always get a little side of mayo for my fries, a result of living in Europe for so long, without having to ask. They work hard, they do a good job, and they’re nice people who make my day better, and I’m happy to give them a nice tip.
Here’s how I was tip-abused. I got it in my head that I wanted to make pork ribs today. All right, I don’t need you to give me grief because I don’t have a smoker here in California; I do it in the oven, and it is fantastic. But that’s not the point. The point is, after I went to one fancy meat place that was out of pork ribs — I wanted the butcher to take the membrane off for me because that’s a pain — and then a second that was also out of ribs, I got to a third place where they finally had some ribs. As an aside, don’t get the idea that California is awesome because the ribs are all sold out. One of the places explained that not many Californians want ribs, and I’ve never desired to leave my home state more than after hearing that James Talarico-level heresy.
Anyway, the butcher directed me to the St. Louis ribs, which were already packaged, and the membrane was off, so I wasn’t asking for any extra work, not even putting it into butcher paper. I walked to the checkout stand, plopped down my $52 worth of meat, and the guy rings it up. So far, so good. Out comes my iPhone to do the little Apple Pay thing — I don’t remember the last time I paid for anything with cash and barely remember the last time I used my actual credit card — and suddenly there’s the screen asking me if I want to leave a tip.
For some raw meat.
At a store.
I’m buying glorified groceries!
No, I did not want to leave a tip.
And I did not leave a tip. I’m sure the guy at the counter judged me, but that’s OK because I’m guilty of not wanting to give people a tip for freaking checking me out at a checkout stand.
Tipping has gone crazy. I’m tired of being dunned for dough at an endless variety of untraditional tip opportunities. Coffee houses, convenience stores, wherever anything is sold. And that includes fast food places where they’re not serving you like waiters — they might bring your food out, but more likely they call some number, and up you go to carry it back to your table yourself like a sucker. That’s not a tip opportunity. And I’m annoyed when I get asked to tip before anyone does something. There is one place where you order a pizza and go to find a table to sit and wait for it, and they’ve already asked for the tip before they’ve actually done the tip-worthy task. We did that the other day and got our pizza before we got our drinks. What the hell is that?
And the array of tip options is a bit puzzling. A standard tip is 15 percent. I like to go a little higher, but that’s not the tradition. The tradition is 15 percent. So, when the dreaded tip page comes up on one of the electronic screens, there should be a 15 percent option. But there’s literally never a 15 percent option. It starts at 18 percent, then goes to 20 percent and then up to 22 percent, or even 25 percent. You should go above and beyond to get beyond 15 percent. For 22 percent, I want my shoes shined, and I’m a Californian who wears flip-flops. A 25 percent tip ought to be reserved for a football team owner at an Asian massage parlor who received the happiest of endings.
Now, I may be coming across as just another cusp-boomer who identifies as Gen X waving his fist impotently at the clouds. But there are a couple of important issues here. The first is that while omni-tipping is an annoyance for those of us who are older and well-situated, that’s a lot of money you’re asking young people to spend on gratuities. When you’re lucky to walk out of a place for lunch for under 30 bucks for two — and you’re lucky to do that in Cali unless you’re ordering through your driver’s side window to a talking clown — an extra six or seven bucks is a lot of money. And no, you can’t be sure that the person you’re giving to is even getting it — who knows what the owner, whether an individual or some corporation, does with that tip they put on your credit card? So, the expansion of tipping customs may, perhaps, be helping some people who can use it, but it’s hurting a lot of people, too.
And the other thing that’s wrong is it increases the general sense of entitlement. It breaks the tie between hard work and the reward. The custom of tipping was not designed as a pure transfer of funds. It was designed to incentivize and reward good work. You had to give to get. The customer threw in a little on top to get a little extra love, but the worker went over and above to get their over and above. This is good. This is right. This is proper.
But there’s a moral hazard where people expect something for nothing. “Give me a tip because…well…I want one?” No. Frankly, America has too much of that in all contexts. Look around at people complaining about having their SNAP and EBT dole cut to fund those billionaire tax cuts. Well, here’s the thing — if you’re paying taxes such that you can have them cut, you’re doing something the recipients of free stuff are not doing. You are contributing to society. We should stop giving people things for free. We should mock those who expect things for free. And, as a good start, we should return some sanity to the concept of tipping.
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