Mike Gallagher

If you asked a team of expert psychologists and sociological researchers to come up with a design that was sure to infuriate and offend liberals in America, they’d probably come up with what we call the Great Seal.

The Great Seal has got it all—everything liberals despise is there, front and center.

In the first place, you’ve got your eagle, holding arrows. What good could those arrows possibly serve, aside from celebrating the violent blood lust that liberals see in Americans? It doesn’t matter to them that in the eagle’s right talon he’s clutching the olive branch of peace—making the visual point that Teddy Roosevelt made 150 years later with the words “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”

Liberals don’t think we need those sharpened arrows.

Liberals would prefer it if the bald eagle on the Great Seal was holding olive branches in both talons, or, better, an olive branch in one, and maybe a soft cushion in the other, to entice our enemies to lie down and snooze.

Or, perhaps, the olive branch and a bottle of lavender massage oil. Or maybe one of those loofah sponges they use in spas.

Anything, actually, from the Brookstone catalogue would work.

The key, for liberals, would be to get rid of those awful arrows. We don’t need arrows, or a big stick. We just need a couple of Nerf toys and a pleasant, hopeful expression.

And that’s another thing that’s wrong with the Seal: that eagle looks too angry. Too hurtful and judgmental.

Liberals, given the choice, would replace the scary eagle with something more like the popular children’s television figure, Barney, the purple dinosaur. I love you! the Great Seal would project to all who gaze at it, a big purple dinosaur holding up a juice box and a gender nonspecific plush toy.

So now we’ve “fixed” the Great Seal of the United States. It’s no longer something liberals hate. It’s a happy, loving purple dinosaur, holding up a healthy snack and a soft cushion, and above his head is an ever-changing scrapbook of the Great American Victim.

But what about the most troublesome part of the Great Seal?

What about that awful motto?

E pluribus unum, Latin for “Out of many, one,” flutters on a banner around the eagles’—excuse me: around the purple dinosaur’s—head.

“Out of many, one” is the national motto, and what the Founders imagined it meant is that out of the great and celebrated differences between us, comes one nation and one larger purpose.

Mike Gallagher

Mike Gallagher is a nationally syndicated radio host, Fox News Channel contributor and guest host and author of 50 Things Liberals Love to Hate.