Good afternoon, Perez. I’m sorry I haven’t yet taken the time to write you in response to your little flap with Miss California. I’ve been down in South Carolina spending the last few days with a beautiful woman who is opposed to gay marriage. I hope that doesn’t offend you. In Hollywood, that’s called bigotry. In South Carolina, it’s called “normal.”

I’m sorry that I was recently complimented by an older gentleman for simply opening the car door for the aforementioned beautiful woman. I’m sorry because opening a door for a lady should be commonplace. It should not be so rare that it evokes a surprised reaction. I’m sorry if you don’t see how this relates to your flap with Miss California. You will by the end of this column.

I’m sorry to hear that you referred to Miss California by using the p-word, the b-word, and the c-word simply because she holds a view contrary to your own. I’m sorry that in the wake of this controversy you still hold yourself out as the more tolerant party in the dispute.

I’m sorry that you suffer from such severe intellectual hernia that you are oblivious to the fact that Miss Prejean’s view is the majority view in the country and yours is not. I’m sorry that you haven’t decided to change that by simply moving to another country.

I’m sorry that political litmus tests in beauty pageants exist anywhere outside of communist China. I’m sorry that you have not yet fixed that by moving to China.

I am also sorry that when I searched your website I found that you are inclined to use the c-word in reference to other women besides Miss Prejean. I am sorry, for example, that you used the c-word in reference to Jessica Simpson. I’m sorry that you also wrote the phrase “your (p-word) is hanging out” on a picture of Miss Simpson wearing jeans. I am sorry that you posted this picture on the internet.

I am sorry that the feminists have somehow led you to believe that calling a woman the c-word is somehow acceptable or, perhaps, empowering.

I am also sorry that the people who run the Miss America pageant select misogynistic bigots as judges.

I am sorry that one can get away with being a misogynistic bigot in this country by simply sodomizing other men.

I am sorry that I use the term “men” so loosely. I am even sorrier that a man named Mr. Prejean or Mr. Simpson hasn’t already shut you up. Continued...