“Santa has a message for holiday shoppers,” proclaims a new PETA poster campaign: “You can avoid the “naughty” list if you put down that hunting rifle. His Yuletide greeting, courtesy of PETA, can be found on artwork plastered on local buses running downtown…through the end of December. The message comes after a national hunting group ranked Minnesota a top state for killing big deer….When it comes to feeling pain and fear, loving their families, and valuing their own lives, deer are just like you and me,” says PETA President Ingrid Newkirk. PETA’s cheeky cartoon encourages holiday shoppers to give wild animals some peace on Earth by saying no to hunting….Hunters kill millions of animals every year….Hunters have contributed to the extinction of species all over the world, including the Tasmanian tiger and the great auk…PETA—whose motto reads, in part, that “animals are not ours to abuse in any way”—opposes speciesism, a human-supremacist worldview.”
In fact, historically regulated sport hunting has had the exact opposite effect on endangered animals as PETA claims--for the simple reason that it gives animals actual value outside of the fleeting sentimental one created by Disney movies. Remember Cecil the Lion?
At any rate, fascinatingly enough, Heinrich Himmler (point man for the vegetarian Adoph Hitler’s holocaust) viewed deer hunting almost exactly as does Ingrid Newkirk and PETA. To wit:
"How can you, Dr. Kersten (Himmler’s personal physician), enjoy shooting from a shelter at the defenseless creatures that roam the forest, unable to protect themselves and free from all suspicion? It is' a real crime. Nature is tremendously beautiful and every animal has the right to live. "
Among nature’s most beautiful products are Bambi Fajitas, as proclaimed by my grandson Eli, who at aged six had graduated to a (gun-less, so far) stint in my deerstand recently, to which I was astounded to note that he brought no video games! WOW!
At any rate, we were in the stand the dawn after Thanksgiving with the horizon already pink. Daylight seeped slowly into the creek bottom and the squirrels and birds came alive. It was nice – brisk but not frigid. No bugs.
Eli was still, alert and vigilant. No whining or fidgeting….Wish I could claim the same. By 8:00 I was drowsing. "Wake me if you see something, Eli,”... Then I dozed off ... and dreamed...
... "This is Megyn Kelly reporting from Thibodaux, Louisiana. President Biden declared a state of emergency in the Bayou State where PETA was staging a demonstration against a local deer hunt. PETA's activists followed the hunters into the woods and employed bullhorns to broadcast the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi.
"This serves to enlighten the hunters in the ways of vegetarianism and non-violence," explained PETA spokesperson Paul McCartney, "and to frighten off, and thus save, the poor defenseless deer." With his right eye swollen shut and 21 stitches in his mouth, the ex-Beatle's appearance horrified his fans in the press.
"These blokes certainly take hunting seriously," Paul sputtered painfully into a spittle-flecked microphone held by a snuffling Katie Couric. "Nothing like this happened in New Jersey. Remember, friends, All You Need Is Love!"
"We came in the spirit of Gandhi!" blubbered PETA board member Bill Maher, who nursed a grapefruit-sized ear and several facial welts. "And were met by that of George Patton!" Mr. Maher then collapsed in sobs into the arms of his friend Alec Baldwin, who tottered at his side on crutches.
"Get up – UP!" Ellen De Generes and chum Rachel Maddow yelled while yanking Maher up by the collar and seizing Alec roughly by the shoulders. "You're lucky we ran those yahoos off! They'd a killed ya--ya wussies!”
"Meanwhile, at a local tavern, PETA activists Joaquin Phoenix and Woody Harrelson attempted to disrupt a cockfight by stepping into the ring itself.”The roosters immediately pounced on us!" stammered a still shaken Woody. "And I don't even eat chicken! And their owners incited them with bloodcurdling whoops and cheers!”
"Joaquin and Woody’s flailing arms and wild screams were scant protection against the birds' sharp spurs and vicious beaks,” reported a horrified Kelly. “Observers also report that rather than attempting to help the frantic and terrified victims, the few beer-crazed spectators who hadn't collapsed in hysterics quickly set several more roosters on the hapless celebrities, whose screams "sounded like Lady Gaga sitting on a sea urchin," according to one howling and badly convulsed bar patron...."
Then I felt something tugging at my shirt ... huh? ... what? ... I awoke. "Grandad!...GRANDAD! a wide-eyed Eli hissed, pointing toward the left at a patch of briars…..Then I saw the tail flick. GEEZUZ! A DEER!
Eli ducked and covered his ears. The deer was probably 80 yards away but obscured by too much brush. The head came up and I saw little sprouts of antlers. Great, he’ll be good and tender. I was breathing in gasps. He took another step and his shoulder cleared the tree. BLAMMM!!
“YAAAY!” squealed Eli while high-fiving his still-shaking grandad. “Bambi Fajitas tonight!”