Hi Melanie! It was great to see you over at the Fisher Student Center last Wednesday. I know you’re exited about transferring to UNC-Wilmington after six long years in junior college. Hopefully, by cutting back on your hours as a waitress, you can finish your B.A. degree within a couple of years.
Though I was happy to see you on campus, there is one little matter I would like to discuss with you. In the several years I’ve know you, there’s never been an occasion where I saw you dressed inappropriately. So when I saw you on campus with your breasts hanging out – pretty much all the way out – I was pretty surprised and disappointed.
For some reason, the population of trashy women has been exploding here at UNC-Wilmington in recent years. And visitors to our campus have been noticing and commenting to me a lot lately. The sad thing is that no one – certainly not the feminists who run the Women’s Center – has ever told our female students just how their dressing, talking, and acting like trash in college will hurt them after they graduate.
But, today, I plan to change all that by mentioning several things you can avoid, which, hopefully, will increase your chances of success after graduation:
Tattoos. Lately, I’ve noticed more women are getting tattoos in college. The worst kind is the “tramp stamp” college girls are getting across the lower back. I’ve even noticed a couple of my students with a “spread eagle” tattoo across the back. A woman really has to have low self-esteem to have the equivalent of “I’m a whore” tattooed across her back like that. I would never write a letter of recommendation for such a woman. Neither would most professors - even though most lack the courage to tell you.
Tongue Rings. A woman gets her tongue pierced with a ball for one reason and one reason only... Would you ever walk into a job interview with a sign saying “I love certain sexual acts”? Not unless you want to be a prostitute. And prostitutes don’t really need college degrees, do they?
Like. I was like standing behind this Alpha Gamma Delta in the food line the other day and like she was like saying “like” constantly. And like once you like get in the habit of like talking this way you like can’t stop. And like you can’t like get a job.
Totally. I like totally forgot to mention that “totally” has like almost totally become the other most annoying word that lots of like sorority chicks are totally using. And now like it’s totally gotten copied by all the other girls. Like almost totally. You’re totally going to be like unemployed if you start talking this way.
Seriously. Oh, my Gosh! I like totally forgot to mention another thing. Seriously! Lots of girls are like totally adding “seriously” to their vocabularies. It’s like seriously annoying. You need to like totally avoid it. Seriously!
Potty Pictures. For some reason, the new cool thing for college women is letting their friends take pictures of them going potty. Then, they post the pictures on MySpace or FaceBook. When I find a potential plaintiff for a lawsuit, my lawyers check out her entire profile page on FaceBook, pictures included. One of these potty pictures is all we really need to see to know that we’ve got the wrong plaintiff. I’m sure your future employers do the same thing.
Drunken Pictures. You don’t have to post an internet picture of yourself on the potty to lose a good employment possibility. The picture of you barfing will do just as well.
Boob exposure. The women at UNC-Wilmington are in a constant competition to out-boob one another. It’s getting so bad that one of the parents wrote to me complaining after he had been to a UNCW student orientation and seen many barely-dressed girls there. My financial advisor was on campus recently and said the same basic thing. Ladies, let people get to know you a little better before you start showing them your breasts, nipples and all. We know some of you paid good money for your breasts but that doesn’t mean we all have to see them. Some of my most expensive guns are locked away in secret. It’s just something you might want to consider.
I’m sure some feminist will be offended that a man is trying to control a woman’s boobies. My booby, my choice! But I believe women are better off offended and employed than un-offended and unemployed.
Thanks for listening,
Mike Adams