April Fools' party

Posted: Apr 01, 2005 12:00 AM

"This is your eyewitness news team, reporting from the big, posh April Fools' Day party at the Dewdrop Inn out at Moot Point, overlooking Dyer Straits. Everybody who is anybody is here.
"There's the karate expert Marshall Artz, timber heiress Lotta Wood, famous meteorologist Cole Winter, the British boxing sensation Battler Hastings, and the gossip columnist N.U. Endo. There's insurance magnate Justin Case and Ivy University's dean of students, N. 'Loco' Prentiss.

 "Let's talk with one of the guests. Excuse me, sir, what is your name?"
"Chester Mann."

 "Are you related to that famous social justice advocate?"

 "N.V. Mann? Yes."

 "How are you enjoying the party?

 "Frankly, I am here only because my wife dragged me here."

 "You don't like the party?"

 "As Robinson Crusoe said, 'I don't like this atoll.'"

 "As Napoleon said, 'What's your beef, Wellington?'"

 "Oh, just the food, the drinks, and the people."

 "Well, let me move along. Here's the famous author I. Wright, whose latest best-seller is a steamy novel about India titled 'Whose Sari Now?' Incidentally, you look great in those long, flowing robes. Were you born in India?"

 "No, Brooklyn."

 "But I'll bet you did a lot of research in India?"

 "Yes, mostly in the Punjab."

 "What is it like to live in a country completely different from the Western world?"

 "Actually Indians are not cut off from the Western world. For example, a friend of mine in the Punjab is obsessed with Western classical music."

 "Likes his Beethoven and Bach, does he?"

 "He's really obsessed with Haydn. He's a Haydn Sikh."

 "Thank you. Let's go on to talk with some more guests. Here's the famous psychiatrist N.D. Nile, that sweet-looking actress Candy Barr and her sister Minnie who, I believe, is involved in hotels."

 "Yes, I am. I have also had some hostel takeovers."

 "Not everyone has been successful, of course. Over there is the well-known architect whose firm just went bankrupt -- Frank Lloyd Wrong. Let's go over and see what he has to say.

 "Sir, this is your eyewitness news team, checking up on how you are doing."

 "Terrible! I am suffering from hardening of the arteries, curvature of the spine, cirrhosis of the liver . . ."

 "Rumpole of the Bailey?"


 "I understand that you are also an artist."

 "Well, architecture is itself an art, as well as a science. But I also paint pictures, if that is what you mean."

 "Yes, I remember a famous painting of yours showing a Rolex sitting on a half-eaten piece of watermelon."

 "Yes, I called it 'Watch on the Rind.'"

 "You are really on the cutting edge. Are all the people in your set like that?"

 "No, actually. My uncle's wife, for example, is the most conservative person I know."


 "Yes, I call her my status quo auntie."

 "How conservative is she?"

 "Once I asked her if she believed in gun control and she said: 'Yes! You've got to control those things or else the shot will go wild and miss the guy you are trying to blast!'"

 "Over here is the famous weatherman, Cole Winter. He's usually pretty well informed, since he is on the same program as the news. Cole, what's the latest news?"

 "A leopard was spotted in midtown Manhattan today!"

 "That's not news. Leopards are spotted everywhere. Anyhow, it is time to return you to the studio. Happy April Fools' Day!"