WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congratulations, John, on your new assignment as the United States' permanent representative to the United Nations. Please know that these good wishes are offered in the same spirit that I would applaud Hercules on his willingness to cleanse the Augean stables.
He, of course, had to divert the waters of the Peneius and Alpheus to accomplish his task. To flush the effluence from the corridors of the U.N., you may have to do the same with the Hudson and East Rivers. Please permit me to assist you in that task by throwing in my two cents -- which is, by the way, more than I think we ought to waste at the United Nations next year.
First, look under every rock. The corruption at the U.N. didn't begin with the Oil for Food scandal and it certainly doesn't end there. The United Nations is nothing more than bureaucracy piled atop waste, wrapped in fraud, covered with abuse -- all of it funded by American taxpayers who foot 22 percent of U.N. dues -- more than any other nation. We also pour billions of dollars more into the coffers of its related agencies.
As with the Oil for Food rip-off, these entities have no accountability. Lord only knows what the U.N.'s unelected globo-crats are doing with our money. Since Kofi refuses to hold his cronies accountable, John, you must.
Second, use the carrot and stick approach. The U.N. is run by people who wander through life like Rodney King, wondering, "Can't we all just get along?" America's big carrot is money. Kofi and cronies are addicted to American cash and dream daily of new ways to get more of it. Withholding the greenbacks -- along with the threat of sanctions -- are the big sticks.
Remind your new "colleagues" that last month the U.S. House of Representatives voted 221 to 184 to withhold 50 percent of U.S. dues to the U.N. until reforms are implemented.
By now, you've seen Kofi's plan to expand the United Nations Security Council (UNSC). John, we don't need more of these characters weighing in on America's national security and sovereignty. Only three times in the U.N.'s history has the UNSC acted expeditiously and appropriately.
On June 27, 1950, the council adopted a resolution to "furnish such assistance to the Republic of Korea as may be necessary to repel the armed attack and to restore international peace and security in the area."
In 1990-1991, George H.W. Bush convinced the Security Council to endorse the coalition he had built to turn back Saddam Hussein's aggression in Kuwait.
And in the aftermath of Sept. 11, 2001, the Security Council agreed to help the United States oust the Taliban from power in Afghanistan. Three times in 60 years is not a record of great accomplishment.
The U.N. "Human Rights Commission" is a sick joke. If your "fellow ambassadors" don't fix it or finish it next month, tell 'em that the American taxpayers are going to cut off the cash and stop underwriting dictatorial makeovers for the likes of Robert Mugabe, Fidel Castro and Muammar Qaddafi.
The same thing goes for the U.N.'s so-called "peacekeepers," who have been accused of child rape in the Congo and killing unarmed civilians in Haiti. If the keepers of the keys in the Big Blue Building on Turtle Bay fail to apprehend and punish the pedophile perpetrators of these crimes, cut the cash.
Don't be afraid to stick it to the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), either. The Iranians are building nuclear weapons, the North Koreans are making more of them, and the IAEA can't decide what to do about either rogue dictatorship. Let Mohamed El-Baradei know that we're blowing the whistle on his Keystone Cops -- and the Russian, Chinese, French and German firms that provide the nuclear weapons know-how and technology.
John, because this is a family-friendly publication, let me put this next piece of advice in Latin: Non illegitemi carborundum est. Hate to put it this way, John, but Kofi and his cronies really don't like you any more than the liberals in the U.S. Senate do. You're not going to be invited to the all-night cocktail parties at Manhattan's hot spots. The New York Times welcomed you to the Big Apple by observing that you "will not be wreaking diplomatic havoc anywhere else."
Take these as compliments. You no longer have to travel halfway around the world just to have a maniacal dictator like North Korea's Kim Jung Il call you "human scum." At the U.N., you can get those kinds of kudos every day. Hang each one in your heart as a trophy to American ideals.
After the treatment you received at the hands of Senate liberals, the striped pants set at the Big Blue Building are pikers. Shame them with your work ethic -- you get more done before breakfast than these guys do in a month.
Finally, John, try to bring a little humor to the place. U.N. bureaucrats are the most uptight, self-righteous group of pompous, incompetent airheads to gather in one place since Jimmy Carter's last Cabinet meeting. Before your first meeting in the Security Council, go over and say hello to the French ambassador and, just before he sits down, slip a whoopee cushion on his chair.
The Chinese communists secretly love that kind of humor. The Brits will be appalled at the flatulent nature of the joke, but will endorse the target. If anyone complains, tell 'em it's U.S. retaliation for Jacques Chirac slobbering all over the first lady during her last visit to France.
Oh, and one more thing. When speaking with Kofi and his cronies, try to avoid using words like "sovereignty," "national security" or "integrity." You can tell by the corneal glaze-over -- those words only confuse him.