Last month, I heard some really bad news. It seems the State of North Carolina is about to lay off 3000 more employees in the midst of a massive budget shortfall. But that wasn’t the only bad news I got last month. I also got this email from a representative of our university’s new LGBTQIA Resource Center:
I just wanted to remind everyone about the showing of Milk tomorrow night. This will be the innaugral [sic] event for UNCW's LGBTQIA Resource Office, and also a fundraiser for Wilmington's Domestic Violence Shelters and Services. The film will be shown at 7:00 p.m in Lumina Theater and admission is free. So please come see this important, and Oscar Award Winning film.
UNCW GLBTQIA Office
If you’re like me, you probably have a few questions for Amy Schlag. I’ve listed some of mine below and answered them whenever possible:
1. Why can’t you spell the word “inaugural?” The answer is that Amy is an English professor at UNCW. By the way, she is a White English professor, not a Black English professor like Maurice Martinez.
2. What is the meaning of all the letters in this veritable alphabet soup of liberal victim-hood? The answer is “gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, questioning, inter-sexed, and ally.” For the record, I had to write Amy to ask her the meaning of “A”. I thought it might stand for androgyny or, perhaps, something to do with the buttocks. We already have the feminists reclaiming the c-word in The Vagina Monologues. I don’t want to hear a bunch of LGBTQI people reclaiming the a-word. That’s one monologue I can do without.
3. Why is your new center called “LGBTQIA” in the text of the invitation and “GLBTQIA” in your signature? Is there a power struggle going on between the “Gs” and the “Ls”? Is it likely to become as contentious as the struggle between the “crips” and the “bloods”? I mean, can’t we all just get along?!
I think there are a number of questions to be raised with the new LGBTQIA (or GLBTQIA) Resource Center leadership. But I don’t want any miscommunication of my ideas. So I’m going to call Maurice Martinez, the professor of Black English in the UNCW Watson School of Education for help. Maybe he also teaches Queer English, which can help me get my point across with the new queer center, or queer new center. Who knows, after I learn some Queer English, I might even be able to get a job teaching in the public school system!
But, in the meantime, I plan to write Chancellor Rosemary DePaolo with a few questions. Some examples follow:
1. We have an African American Center, a Women’s Center, EL Centro Hispano, and now a LGBTQIA (or GLBTQIA) Resource Center. Have you ever considered starting a Conservative Professor Resource Center? It wouldn’t cost much money. You could just stick me in a cage in the middle of the campus and let the liberal professors walk by and gaze in wonder. They could even arrange field trips for students in the Watson School of Education. Professor Martinez’ students could ask him profound intellectual questions like “Who dat in the cage?” and “Why he be staring at me like dat?”
2. Are you concerned that the last name of the Program Advisor for the new UNCW LGBTQIA Office will be deemed highly offensive to some “Gs” - and perhaps mildly offensive to some “Qs” – assuming they also like “questioning” authority? After all, a few years ago, a local teacher got into trouble because she used the term “niggardly,” which sounds like an offensive epithet. Aren’t you worried that the name “Schlag” will raise a red flag – as opposed to a rainbow flag – because it sounds like the word “fag”?
3. Finally, just how many more thousands of state employees will we have to lay off before you realize we are broke and cannot afford any more of these damn centers, Dr. DePaolo? In other words, when will you stop bankrupting our state in order to make it look more like San Francisco than North Carolina? Translation in straight White English: Have you ever considered leaving to become chancellor of San Francisco State University?
Indeed, there are so many state employees out of work I think we should show the film Toast after we show the film Milk. The least we can do for our unemployed-in-the-name-of-diversity is to kiss them after we have screwed them in the name of tolerance and inclusion. A film named after their fate would be a nice tribute. Plus, we could have a fund-raiser for domestic violence since it has been on the rise in the wake of recent layoffs!
It is no surprise that Rosemary DePaolo stated publicly that she wanted UNC-Wilmington to be the North Carolina equivalent of William and Mary. But there’s no way that will ever happen.
At William and Mary a left wing president came in and removed the cross from the chapel and replaced it with the Sex Workers Art Show. The alums got angry and the president was, for lack of a better word, toast.
At UNC-Wilmington the DePaolo administration has yanked Christmas off our tree and Good Friday off our calendar. In its place we have a new queer resource center or, should I say, queer new resource center.
Yet, unlike many others in this state, DePaolo still has a job. Pardon the straight white English but we ain’t no William and Mary. We’re just a bunch of sissies.