My Apology to UNC-Charlotte

Posted: Nov 13, 2007 10:28 AM
My Apology to UNC-Charlotte

Last Thursday, I gave a speech at UNC-Charlotte called “Why Liberals Hate Freedom.” The main point of the speech was that “liberals” hate freedom because they are not really liberals. Unfortunately, during and after the Q and A things got heated with a few of the communists who decided to awaken from their drug-induced stupor and attend the speech.

Since I was overly harsh with most of them I would like to offer the following apology, which truly comes from the bottom of my heart:

I am sorry that communists actually exist in the United States of America – a nation so great that it must construct walls to keep people out.

I am sorry that these communists would like to turn this great nation into one that must construct walls to keep people in.

I am sorry that I sometimes end sentences with prepositions.

I am sorry that one of the communists attending my speech chose to accuse me of conflating the terms “communism” and "socialism.”

I am sorry that it is not possible to conflate synonyms.

I am sorry that, in my mind, I may have conflated the terms “imbecile” and “idiot” while the aforementioned communist was speaking.

I am sorry that the communist who falsely accused me of falsely accusing Hillary Rodham Clinton of being a Marxist has not bothered to read her Master’s thesis or “her” book, It Takes a Village.

I am sorry but it takes a family, not a village, to raise a child.

I am sorry that the communist on the back row pretended not to understand that the main point I was making with regard to Clinton was: There is already a trend towards socialism in America, which will be accelerated sharply if Clinton is elected president.

I am sorry that the aforementioned communist instead chose to claim that I said “Clinton will seize control of all private industry as soon as she takes office.”

I am sorry that communists are unable to address smart arguments from capitalists, opting instead to refute dumb arguments that no one else but communists are making.

I am sorry that the communist love of straw man arguments is symbolic of the fact that communists are living in a make-believe world with make-believe enemies.

I am sorry that my articulation of the above observation caused this particular communist to scurry out the back door of the auditorium while I engaged in a rational point-by-point refutation of his “arguments.”

I am sorry that they don’t make communists like they use to.

I am sorry that I sometimes end sentences with prepositions.

I am sorry that I sometimes repeat myself.

I am sorry that another communist chose to approach me with the ridiculous argument that Jesus’ multiplication of bread and feeding of masses was proof that Jesus, too, was a communist.

I am sorry that the communist who accused me of being “un-Christian” because I oppose socialism was unaware that I tithe 10% of my income to orphans in Africa – and that 100% of them are black.

I am sorry that this does not bolster the argument that capitalism=racism.

I am sorry that this un-bathed communist was forced to admit that he donates 0% of his money to charity.

I am sorry that his excuse for giving nothing to charity was “But, I’m not a Christian.”

Actually, I’m quite that happy he admitted the true basis of his hypocrisy.

But I really am sorry that he only halfway believes in the saying “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.”

I am sorry that the half he believes in is the latter half of the saying.

I am sorry that the aforementioned communist did not shower because he believes that soap is bad for the environment.

I am sorry that his disdain for soap is wreaking havoc on my environment.

I am also sorry that yet another communist attacked my position on gay marriage by saying that the government should stay out of marriage altogether.

I am sorry that when I asked whether the government had the authority to keep a 43-year old from marrying a five-year old he could not give a straight answer.

I am sorry if the aforementioned communist was gay and, therefore, offended by my suggestion hat he could not give a “straight” answer.

I am sorry for my bad puns.

And, finally, I am sorry that the money I made giving my speech at UNC-C was spent on expanding a firearms collection that will help ensure that the Adams household will not soon be overtaken by un-bathed hippy communists who seek to re-establish the world’s most vile and murderous ideology with the possible exception of radical Islam.

I am sorry if any Islamic Jihadists were offended by the previous run-on sentence. I was just trying to avoid using any sentence fragments that might make this apology sound sarcastic. I really mean that. Seriously. I do.