Dear Fellow UNC-Wilmington Professor:
I want to take a few minutes to thank you for sharing your views on abortion while I was urinating in the men’s restroom at our place of employment. I didn’t mind learning that your support for abortion is predicated on your belief that every child in America has a “constitutional right to be loved.” But I did mind that you tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention while I was facing in the other direction with my pants unzipped. Try your best to keep your hands off me the next time you see me in a public restroom unless, of course, you plan to run for the United States Senate.
Naturally, by the time I zipped up my trousers I began to contemplate your rationale for keeping abortion legal in America. I quickly fell in love with your method of expanding the number of rights guaranteed by our Constitution. Since you shared your “strong feeling” that all children have a constitutional right to be loved, I thought I would take a moment to share my strong feelings in the hope that these feelings will somehow be elevated to constitutional status despite the fact that they don’t actually appear in the Constitution:
• I strongly feel like I have a right to be free from funding a public education system that tries to advance an agenda diametrically opposed to my most cherished religious beliefs.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to walk across campus without seeing a feminist from the Women’s Resource Center showing students how to put a condom on a cucumber. (I can’t imagine why that silly feminist thought her cucumber could get her pregnant. Or maybe she thought it was pleasuring another feminist behind her back).
• I strongly feel like I have a right to buy gas for less than two dollars per gallon.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to be loved by Jessica Alba.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to be free from seeing women dressed in mini-skirts while (they are, not I am) wearing snow boots.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to free health care paid for by the citizens of France. They wouldn’t still be speaking French if it weren’t for Americans so I figure they owe us one. (Author’s note: I also reserve the right to use double negatives or to not use them if I don’t feel like it).
• I strongly feel like I have a right to have illegal aliens work in my yard free of charge on weekends. It’s the least they can do for wasting so much of my time by making it hard to find a parking space at Home Depot.
• I strongly feel like I have a right to urinate in a public restroom without having you touch me on the shoulder.
Unfortunately, the list of things I would emote into the Constitution (if given the chance) fails to capture the total absurdity of your argument. Give me a few more lines to try and catch up.
I strongly feel that whenever my constitutional rights are violated, someone should die. For example:
• The Governor of North Carolina should be killed if he does not immediately sign an executive order fulfilling my strong desire to be free from supporting the pitiful public education system of this state.
• The next feminist from the Women’s Resource Center I see instructing students on how to put a condom on a cucumber should be killed.
• President Bush should be killed because his “War for Oil” has failed to bring gas prices below two dollars per gallon (note to Secret Service: THIS IS A SATIRE). • Jessica Alba should be killed for not loving me.
• All women dressed in mini-skirts and wearing snow boots should be killed. • We should kill the citizens of France for failing to provide me with free health care.
• Illegal aliens unwilling to work in my yard free of charge on weekends should be killed.
• You should be killed for touching me on the shoulder in a public restroom.
But of course, learned full professor, I still have not matched the absurdity of your pro-choice argument. To this point, I have made the more rational argument that the person who has violated a constitutional right should be punished by being killed. Your position, of course, is even more absurd. You argue that the person whose constitutional right has been violated should be killed. Hence, I propose the following in an effort to reach (down to) your level of intellectual (un)sophistication:
• The governor should order that I be killed immediately if the governor does not sign an executive order fulfilling my strong desire to be free from supporting the pitiful public education system of this state.
• I should be killed by a feminist the next time I see a feminist from the Women’s Resource Center showing students how to put a condom on a cucumber.
• President Bush should order that I be killed because the “War for Oil” has failed to bring gas prices below two dollars per gallon.
• I should be killed by Jessica Alba because Jessica Alba does not love me.
• I should be killed by a woman dressed in a mini-skirt and snow boots the next time I see a woman dressed in a mini-skirt and snow boots.
• I should be killed by the citizens of France because they failed to provide me with free health care (and, not to mention, maternal love).
• Illegal aliens should kill me because they are unwilling to inconvenience themselves by working in my yard free of charge on weekends – an inconvenience not quite on par with a lifetime commitment to parenthood.
• You should kill me because you touched me on the shoulder in a public restroom in violation of my constitutional rights.
Many of my readers are wondering how a tenured professor could accrue a level of intellectual arrogance severe enough to produce a belief that he may, a) invent constitutional rights, b) enforce them via the death penalty, c) remedy the constitutional violation by the murder of the person (note: the professor admitted that the fetus was a “child”) whose rights were violated, and d) allow the killing to actually be ordered by the perpetrator.
Fortunately for my readers, I will address the origins of such arrogance in my next column. I strongly feel like I have a right for you to read it. If you choose not to, feel free to kill me.