Shaking Hands with the Unemployed

Posted: Jan 22, 2007 12:00 AM
Shaking Hands with the Unemployed

Editor’s Note: The following column contains some very naughty words.

It should come as no surprise that a men’s restroom at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport has become a playground for those who want to masturbate in public and have sex with men they don’t even know. After all, Atlanta is a hotbed of homosexual activity and public restrooms are favorite gathering places of many homosexuals.

But some may be surprised that, since December, police officers have arrested and charged 11 men with public indecency in the Atlanta airport. That is because there has been little talk about the arrests. And that, in turn, may have something to do with the fact that “Dirty Nearly Dozen” includes University of North Carolina Professor Dr. Hugh Tilson and Spelman College Professor Lev T. Mills.

It unsurprising to find out that Mills is a Professor of Art. Such departments attract some of the most far out non-conformists among us. But it is surprising to find out that Tilson is a Professor of Public Health. Before his arrest, I had always considered public masturbation to run contrary to the public health. But in the age of diversity, I’m becoming increasingly willing to reconsider some of my basic assumptions – some of which may be based on antiquated notions of morality.

And so today, I wish to extend an olive branch to Professor Tilson – and maybe even a fig leaf – in the hopes of bridging the gap between the so-called traditionalists and secular-progressives that seem so at odds in today’s cultural wars. I do so in the form of an offer to substitute in one of his public health classes while he takes the time to straighten out his legal affairs.

This Monday, I will travel to UNC-Chapel Hill to substitute for Tilson, giving this brief quiz as a means of generating discussion for the rest of the week:

1. The university has, in recent years, placed a high premium on making students feel “comfortable” in a university setting. How comfortable do you feel taking a class from a public masturbator?

2. Next month, the university will sponsor “The Vagina Monologues.” On a scale of one to ten, how badly would you like to see a film called “The Angina Monologues,” which chronicles a man’s recovery from a heart attack induced by seeing another man masturbating in an airport restroom?

3. An Atlanta TV station recently reported that no public masturbator had yet sexually assaulted anyone in an Atlanta Airport. But some were watching small children urinate in order to become sexually aroused. If a small child had been aware of this, was he not a victim of assault?

4. What are the public health benefits to be derived from ejaculating on the floor of a public restroom?

5. What are the public health benefits to be derived from impersonal sex?

6. How much money do we spend on AIDS research relative to cancer research?

Why the imbalance? Are professors the ones responsible for this? If so, why?

7. Is it more likely that Professor Tilson will be a) fired or b) promoted to a high- paying administrative position in the Office of Campus Diversity as a result of his recent arrest?

8. Would your answer to the previous question change if Tilson were arrested in the ladies restroom?

9. Does Pee Wee Herman regret his decision not to become a college professor?10. Which profession has lower moral standards: a) The acting profession, or b) the professoriate?

I can hardly wait to get to Chapel Hill on Monday. Needless to say, I will drive and not fly. It promises to be a stimulating week.

Editor’s note: In Dr. Adams’ next installment he will examine the issue of whether Lev T. understands the gravity of the situation. To be continued…