I've made a living over the last few years by exposing the intolerance, hypocrisy, and intellectual dishonesty of the academic left. Usually, I cross paths with these people by accident. But, because I’m a professor and I’ve never really grown up, I sometimes enjoy baiting them with premeditated experiments designed to test their commitment to tolerance. The latest victim of such an experiment is James Trost, a professor at the University of Michigan. Yesterday, he sent me the following email:
What a horrible and anti-intellecutal [sic] article I ran across on Townhall.com today. Who the hell do you think you are? I'm sorry that you are bombarded by "gays" threatening you at every turn, but then, you certainly don't have a right to demonize an entire segment of our population. As a university professor myself, I am ashamed that you are allowed to "educate" young minds. Your rationale for your beliefs based on your own interpretation of reality is offensive to all humanity. I hope you don't have tenure, but it [sic] you do, I pray to God no students enroll in your classes.
James Trost (email@example.com), Professor, University of Michigan
I have decided to respond to Professor Trost with this open letter. I will also respond separately to each of the six sentences in his missive. Given his superior intellect, it would be foolish to tackle his profound ideas all at once:
1.What a horrible and anti-intellecutal [sic] article I ran across on Townhall.com today.
Professor, I am unable to respond to this sentence because I am unfamiliar with the term “intellecutal.” I’m sure you meant to say “intellecutal,” not “intellectual.” Otherwise, you would be “anti-intellectual” and perhaps a tad “hypocritucal.”
2. Who the hell do you think you are?
I’m a guy who knows how to use his spell-checker.
3. I'm sorry that you are bombarded by "gays" threatening you at every turn, but then, you certainly don't have a right to demonize an entire segment of our population.
Professor, I am sorry that you have formed and expressed the opinion that I have no right to form and express the opinion that homosexuality is a mental illness. But those who believe that the constitution protects sodomy but not criticism of sodomy are, indeed, emotionally disturbed. To be a professor at the University of Michigan, you must have a high IQ – unless you teach education or social work. To arrive at such a twisted conclusion about the constitutional supremacy of sodomy – over freedom of speech and freedom of religion – one must have some form of emotional disturbance impeding his intellectual potential. I hereby express my First Amendment right to say that, in your case, I believe that emotional disturbance is homosexuality.
4. As a university professor myself, I am ashamed that you are allowed to "educate" young minds.
Are you saying that since I believe that homosexuality is a valid basis for keeping gays from teaching children, I should not be allowed to teach? One of us believes that tolerance is the highest virtue. The other sees tolerance as the virtue of a man without principles. Which one of us is the hypocrite?
5. Your rationale for your beliefs based on your own interpretation of reality is offensive to all humanity.
No, it isn’t. Most people agree with me but they are simply afraid to say so because gays are so intolerant. I’m trying to change all that. You seek the status quo of intolerance in the marketplace of ideas.
6. I hope you don't have tenure, but it [sic] you do, I pray to God no students enroll in your classes.
I am sorry to report that I do have tenure. That means your prayer to God is going to have to be very good. In order to help patch things up between us, I have supplied a sample prayer you might want to say to Jesus every night before you go to bed. I hope you’ll consider using the following:
“Dear Jesus: Please get Mike Adams out of the classroom. He has accepted the words of the Apostle Paul - in Romans, Chapter One- as being the inspired Word of God. He places his faith in the inerrancy of your Holy Scriptures, not in the inerrancy of the Gods of Diversity and Political Correctness. He steadfastly adheres to the Word of God no matter how often the people of the far more enlightened homosexual community threaten to sever his genitalia. May he and all those like him be removed from the halls of academe and replaced with those of us who have a more enlightened view of your Word, which was misinterpreted by the intolerant, homophobic, and, ultimately, misguided Paul of Tarsus.
Dear Jesus, I pray that before the day of your Second Coming our classrooms will be filled only with homosexuals and those who support our agenda. And may the unemployment lines be filled with those who believe in those homophobic portions of the New Testament, which, I know, Jesus, were not written in accordance with your Will. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”
Alternately, James, you may want to consider praying directly to Satan. He’ll be more receptive to your blasphemy and arrogance. Tolerance has always been his highest virtue and his ultimate objective.