Twelve Angry Muslims

Posted: Aug 07, 2006 12:00 AM

The other day, I was looking for a Merle Haggard CD in the local Wal-Mart. I didn’t find the CD, but I did witness a scene that speaks volumes about how Israel should handle the threat of Hezbollah in the Middle East.While I was shopping, there were these two kids, probably 12 to 14 years old, running around the store and raising hell without a hint of adult supervision. One of the boys had hair falling down on his shoulders and into his eyes. He had a cell phone jammed into his ear and could be heard uttering urban phrases like “’sup bitch” and “nigga’, please” every few seconds. I guess this was supposed to make him sound a little less like a boring suburban white boy.

Eventually, the two young punks made it over to the CD section. The long-haired kid put up his cell phone and started looking at CDs. He was standing just a few inches to the right of a man who looked like he was about 35 years old. The punk with the shorter hair stood immediately to his friend’s right and together they looked at some selections and made a few comments.

After a few moments, the kid with the long hair threw his head back, took a deep breath, and just as he let out a loud, fake sneeze, turned to his left and slobbered on the right arm of the 35 year old standing to his left. As soon as he finished his little prank, his friend - who probably put him up to it - started to laugh hysterically. The long-haired prankster just turned to the man and said “sorry, dude” and started to walk away.

But, just before he started to walk away, the 35 year old stepped in front of the long-haired prankster and initiated the following exchange:

Man: “What the (expletive) do you think you’re doing, boy.”

Punk: “What?”

Man: “I said, what the (expletive) do you think you’re doing sneezing on me, boy?”

Punk: “I didn’t sneeze on you, dude.”

Man: “You had better watch your mouth, boy. And you call me sir. One more time, Goldie Locks, what the (expletive) do you think…” (The man was shaking his finger in the boy’s face at this point in the exchange).

By the end of the last sentence, the kid was running away from the man with his friend following close behind, pointing his finger and, by then, laughing at the boy, instead of the man.

While these kids may have had little education, little parental supervision, and little hope for the future, these were not among the concerns of the man in the Wal-Mart music section. He simply wanted to go about his business in peace without being disturbed by anyone else.Hopefully by now, the reader recognizes that the man represents Israel and the two kids represent Hezbollah.

Terrorist organizations like Hezbollah have been targeting young, immature, teenage boys for years during the terrorist recruitment process. They realize that the boys they target have nothing to lose. But it is not just the economic outlook that provides them with so little incentive. They also have nothing to lose in the sense that the body responsible for controlling their behavior – the United Nations – is one they simply cannot take seriously. In fact, young males in the Middle East regard the United Nations the same way young males in America regard the juvenile justice system.

The prankster in Wal-Mart gave little thought to the formal consequences of committing his petty crime – ordinarily, it is a misdemeanor battery to intentionally spit on someone. The same could be said about the adult. He recognized that filing a petition with the local juvenile court was not the best way to handle the situation. Young punks respond to exactly two things: fear for their personal safety and public humiliation.

The boy in Wal-Mart started running only because he believed he was mere seconds away from getting his (expletive) kicked. He clearly was. And the fact that he was also ridiculed by his friend virtually ensures that he won’t be harassing the next adult he sees in Wal-Mart. My guess is that he’ll be begging his friend not to tell anyone what happened. More humiliation will be good for his inner soul.

And that is really the first thing Israel needs to know about dealing with Hezbollah. Instead of relying on the United Nations, Israel needs to rely on the simple maxim that young Islamic terrorist punks are motivated by two things: fear for their personal safety and public humiliation.

And so the plan upon invading Lebanon is simple. In fact, it involves just three steps:

1. Upon the initial invasion of Lebanon, ignore the UN generally and its call for a restrained response specifically. Israel should invade Lebanon with the intention of killing as many members of Hezbollah as possible, using torture whenever it is necessary to find them.

2. After Hezbollah is reduced to 12 living members, heed the UN call for restraint by making humiliation Israel’s top priority. Sparing the lives of the last dozen Hezbollah members – one for each of Israel’s twelve tribes - will not necessarily be an act of compassion. In fact, I would recommend that each of the twelve be subjected to mandatory sex changes to maximize deterrence through public humiliation. It’s only fair since they’ve been beheading people for years. But, unfortunately, my top Presidential campaign advisors tell me that may be going too far.

Therefore, I suppose it should be good enough to dress the last twelve – I would call them the “Dainty Dozen” – in pink thong underwear before putting them on display in cages in downtown Tel Aviv. Their cages could also be equipped with one Toy Poodle, a stack of Playgirl Magazines, and a pink bathrobe just in case it gets cold at night. Their diet would consist solely of quiche, French pastries, and peach wine coolers to help numb the pain of their embarrassment.

3. Install a UN Peacekeeping force of 12 American feminist professors. This special peacekeeping force will be comprised of feminists with PhDs in psychology (by far, our most annoying feminists) who will meet with the “Dainty Dozen” on a daily basis to ask them the crucial question: “Why do you hate us?” These feminists certainly annoy the hell out of me. Imagine how irritated the terrorists will be when they are sentenced to a lifetime of sharing their feelings with a feminist who refuses to wear a burqua.

I hope you will agree with my simple three-step plan for dealing with Hezbollah. If you agree with the plan, you can make it a reality by voting for me in 2008. If you don’t like it, just vote for Hillary. That should give them one more reason to hate us.