Involuntary servitude

Posted: May 10, 2006 12:05 AM
Recently, I was doing a Q&A after a speech at the University of New Hampshire when, suddenly, a student flashed the race card out of nowhere. She suggested, in front of a packed auditorium, that I support the constitution only because it was written by white guys who owned slaves. Actually, the reality is worse than the accusation. I have several slaves working for me free of charge right now.

One of my slaves is a gay activist at Georgia Tech. After I recently wrote a column accusing Georgia Tech gays and their allies of racism, he stood in the middle of the student union and passed out copies of my article saying “Look, Dr. Adams is criticizing us again!” Little did he know that I was planning to hire someone to distribute my columns on the campus of Georgia Tech.

But now I don’t have to pay someone. An angry homosexual is working my paper route without compensation. Actually, he really is trying to compensate but that wasn’t my point.

Another one of my slaves is a former secretary in my department. After she tried to use the university speech code to get me into trouble with my (now former) chair, I wrote a column about the incident. The column’s thesis was that speech codes are used by emotionally unstable people to ensure the survival of the speech of the “least fit” members of society. I argued that it was a form of “reverse Darwinism.”

After she read my column, the secretary went home crying (for about the sixth time that year). Since her pay was docked for missing work, she actually paid to make my point for me. It didn’t cost me a penny to support the labor that found the empirical data to support my emotional instability thesis.

Earlier this year I wrote an article saying that feminists have no sense of humor. A feminist took the time to write and tell me the article was “not funny at all.” I offered to pay her for making my point and, thus, doing my work for me. She didn’t think that was funny, either.

A few months ago, a Canadian reader got upset with me after I wrote something suggesting that liberals are cowards. He was so upset he threatened to kill me. So I wrote and offered to give him directions to my house. I didn’t want him to get lost in a foreign land.

Later, the Canadian wannabe killer wrote back saying “Don’t write to me ever again.” I had only meant to accuse American liberals of cowardice. I was happy that he expanded my thesis and that he did it free of charge. But I was irritated that I loaded a 30-round magazine for no reason.

Another of my slave laborers here at UNCW was in the habit of accusing people of sexual harassment publicly, rather than through the Human Resources Department. I suggested that she avoided Human Resources because she knew all her charges were false, which was proof of her purely slanderous intentions. She responded by accusing me of sexual harassment for criticizing her. She did it in front of students outside the hearing of the HR department.

Once again, a liberal proved my point free of charge.

On another occasion, I suggested that the average feminist IQ was low enough to render the term “feminist scholar” an oxymoron. An angry feminist wrote and asked me what the term “oxymoron” meant.

Finally, I really angered a liberal student when I accused liberals being more prone to censorship than conservatives. He responded to my observation by telling me to “shut up.” Like the others, he proved my point free of charge.

The liberals have always said that white guys like me wouldn’t have a thing if it weren’t for slave labor. With all of these liberals doing things I want them to do without receiving any just compensation, I’m beginning to see their point – although they’re proving it accidentally.

So, now you know another key to my success in the court of public opinion. But please don’t tell these clueless liberals that the Thirteenth Amendment was ratified in 1865. Their historical ignorance is saving me a lot of money.