Point to the idiot

Posted: Feb 14, 2006 12:04 AM

Author’s note: Starting today, I will be co-authoring a series of columns called “Point to the idiot” with Jon Sanders of the John Locke Foundation (www.JohnLocke.org) in Raleigh, North Carolina. The purpose of this series is to highlight some of the most idiotic people (and groups of people) in higher education. Often, our material will come from college newspapers. And, often, it will be archived later on my own website. We hope you enjoy the series. It’s really a good way for us to vent all of our sarcastic comments before we go home to our wives (who get sick of hearing about campus politics). Here goes:

Dear Jon: How’s it going? I wanted to write to tell you about the Sex Toy Box Social recently sponsored by the group Penn for Choice. The fundraiser was organized to benefit the Greater Philadelphia Women's Medical Fund. Penn for Choice President Leah Heifetz thought that an event with a sex-toy theme would be a good way to provide direct funding for low-income women and teens to have abortions. It is important for pro-choice activists to make sure that really young woman and really poor women are having lots of abortions. And, in order to do so, it’s always good to get plenty of support from local sex shops.
A demonstration of how to use these sex toys was run by a sex-toy store called “The Mood.” They sell sex toys, lingerie and “how-to” videos. They also like to come to college campuses to show students how to use them. College students who are well-versed in trigonometry and chemistry usually have difficulty reading sex-toy instructions. But that’s not true at Penn where they have outside support.
I certainly hope that my next speech at Penn will attract as many as 150 people. That’s how many were in Houston Hall for the Sex Toy Box Social. There was food. There were drinks. There was dancing. But the best part of the social was the raffle to win a Bucket O' Love, which included candy G-string underwear and “body butter.”
The Penn student newspaper quoted a freshman as saying that the event “gives a dignity to sexuality” and “helps to highlight the power of female sexuality.” I’ve heard the same about chanting the names of one’s sex organs. But, somehow, I just can’t lace on a pair of boots and chant “penis, penis” in front of a large audience. That’s why these ladies are really making headway in the feminist revolution.
I don’t know whether the collection of vibrators, lubricants and items like the “Kama Sutra Spinner Game” will still be there when I visit Penn. Nonetheless, one can only hope. Are you up for another road trip, Jon?

Dear Mike: Things are well here. I think it's neat how feminists can set aside their bug-eyed hatred of business long enough to bring entrepreneurs in to peddle their wares for a cause, if the cause is even more abortions. Seems abortion makes for strange bedfellows. Which it should, I suppose, since strange bedfellows leads to abortions -- but presumably not enough, which is why kids need to buy sex toys at Penn.

There's one thing you mentioned that I find confusing. Do feminists really need coaching in how to masturbate? Not to be crass, but isn't that the sort of thing that just comes naturally?

I might take you up on your road trip offer. But I propose we start in Chapel Hill. On Feb. 13, UNC-Chapel Hill's "Feminist Students United" and "V-Day" will team up to present "Sex-travaganza." This will be "a fun and informative sex-positive party!" Here's more about it: "Presentation on fun and safe sex techniques given by the Center for Healthy Student Behaviors, make your own Vagina Swirl to eat, Safe Sex Party Bags to take home, test your knowledge in the Sex Quiz and win tantalizing prizes from Cherry Pie."

Nothing against Penn and the so-called box social, but did it have Vagina Swirls? For my money, it's just not a sex-positive party without Vagina Swirls. So long as feminists are behind the swirls, that is -- if a fraternity did it, it would be sexually degrading to women.

If there's time, we might want to hang around Chapel Hill for the Feb. 15 lecture on "Everything Your Vagina Wants to Know." Frankly, I don't think the planned lecture is as all-encompassing as the title makes it sound. It's just going to "include an overview of different contraception methods available." What if participants' vaginas want to know why they're stuck with idiots who think they're saving the world, one Vagina Swirl at a time?

Wow, Jon! That was really deep. I’m going to have to think about that while I’m finishing The Bridges of Madison County. Do they sell vagina swirls at the Illinois State Fair?

To be continued next week…