Dear (NEA Chairman) Dana Gioia:
I write to you today, not with a request, but with a demand. I’ve been sitting back patiently while the NEA has been promoting anti-Christian “art” for a number of years. In fact, one could say that I have been supporting it, too, given that my tax dollars have been spent on this garbage. And maybe I’ve been supporting it in another way by refusing to write you to express my frustration. That is, until now.
In the spirit of the “separation of church and state,” my demand is that you commission a painting – fully funded with tax dollars – that has one intention and one intention only: To offend Muslims everywhere.
This new painting will help the NEA avoid any accusations of state sponsorship of religion by insulting some religion other than Christianity. In the past, you’ve supported the “Piss Christ” and the “Elephant Dung Mary.” Now, I’m asking you to fund the “Queer Muhammad.”
For this painting, I want the artist to put the Prophet Muhammad in a pink bathrobe. I also want him holding a little toy poodle. Finally, I would like you to feature him reading a copy of “Playgirl” magazine. If you want to get daring, you can also feature him French-kissing Salmon Rushdie. Or better yet, feature him French-kissing Jacques Chirac.
Regardless of the precise form it takes, I want five million reproductions of the “Queer Muhammad” in poster form. It may sound like a large order for a first printing. But here’s what I intend to do with them:
First, I’m going to staple a “Queer Muhammad” on the door of Barbara Streisand. She’s been a real pain in the ass throughout this whole War on Terror. I want to see whether she gains some respect for George W. Bush after Islamic fascists torch her Southern California estate – all for expecting adherents to the “religion of peace” to be as tolerant of homosexuality as Hollywood liberals.
And, then, I’m heading to the Upper West Side to place a “Queer Muhammad” on the door of Michael Moore. That fat joker will be begging Charlton Heston for a gun by the time the New York City Muslims throw their first Molotov cocktail.
Next, we’re off to Colorado to the home of Ward Churchill. After I place a “Queer Muhammad” on his home, I’ll put one on his office door at the university. And, while I’m at it, I’ll hit the office doors of every anti-war professor in America.
I also plan to visit all those professors who have “Darwin fish” on their university office doors. For years, they’ve been desecrating a sacred Christian symbol with impunity. Come to think of it, many have been desecrating an Old Testament religious symbol by using rainbows as a backdrop for those “celebrate diversity” bumper stickers. When they place those on their office doors, they do more than just promote acceptance of sodomy. They ridicule a covenant between God and Noah.
Maybe after the Muslim Student Associations begin ripping down the “Queer Muhammad” posters – always leaving the Darwin fish intact - some of these professors will begin to realize that white Christian heterosexual males really aren’t so bad after all. And maybe some will realize that young Muslim males are the most dangerous demographic group on the face of the planet.
But the professors and the movie stars won’t be the only ones included in my little experiment in tolerance and diversity. I want to make sure to include members of the gay community, too. That’s why the “Queer Muhammad” will be posted on the door of every gay bar in San Francisco.
Under my plan, when California Muslims attack these businesses, the gay political lobby will finally have some use for politically correct and seldom-used “hate crimes” legislation. It will also give that large segment of the gay population – the ones who always need something to whine about – something legitimate to whine about. And it will give Christians a break from the gay mission to invade and pervert the Christian clergy.
That will leave me with about four million “Queer Muhammad” posters for the most ambitious aspect of my plan. This involves hanging posters on the doors of every active member of the National Rifle Association. When the Islamic fascists begin hurling stones at the houses of NRA members, many of my brothers (and sisters)-in-arms will start heading for the nearest gun safe. I know I will.
Maybe a few of these violent Muslims will survive their attack on the First Amendment, after it is thwarted by the Second Amendment. If so, I have a special plan for the Islamic fascist survivors. This plan was inspired by my realization that so many members of the anti-war movement are also members of the pro-gay movement. Here it is, in all its leftist-inspired brilliance:
The NRA members whose homes were attacked will all petition local Democratic prosecutors, the media, and even their Democratic legislators to charge the fascists with hate crimes for attacking the image of the “Queer Muhammad.” This will draw a line in the sand for these Democrats. Will they side with the Muslims against the gays? Or will they side with the gays against the Muslims?
If things work according to my plan, we will be able to kill off a lot of these Muslim terrorists and simply claim self-defense. Even better, we’ll cause significant division and strife among the American Left. After it all goes down, I’ll head to my refrigerator instead of my gun safe.
Then I’ll drink a nice, cold Carlsberg. Bottled and brewed by our allies in Denmark.