The suggestion box

Posted: Nov 10, 2005 12:05 AM

Dear Mr. Garthwaite:

I am writing to respectfully request that you put an end to your November Town Hall fund-raiser. Recently, the college at which I am employed has experienced profound anxiety and gerif [sic] as a consequence of a column posted on

The controversy in question arose when a Christien [sic] group on our campus tried to show a film known as “The Passion of the Christ.” Knowing what is best for our students, we decided to ban the film on the basis of its “R” rating.

That is when the trouble began.

One of your columnists discovered that we were allowing non-Christian films to be shown on campus, even when those films had received an “R” rating. But your columnist was not content to merely point out our hypocrisy and intolerance. He insisted on including the President’s office phone number in the text of his column. As a result of huindreds [sic] of phone calls from your angry readers (there appear to be millions of these people) we were forced to shut down our normal office operations.

It was a public relations nightmare culminating in our decision to allow the Christians to show the film.

Months later, we still hear from angry donors who read your biased website. I hope you are happy with all of the trouble you are causing. And I hope you will reconsider your decision to ask readers to support your work. We are tying to run this educationsl [sic] establishment as we see fit. Please butt out!


Dear Mr. Garthwaite:

I am writing to ask you to please get your columnist (name deleted) off of our backs here at the University of (name deleted). We spent good money recently in an effort to educate our students on a variety of diverse sexual practices, only to have our well-intentioned efforts disrupted by the aforementioned columnist. The fact that we chose to educate our students by hiring a porn star is simply none of your business. We do not believe it is any of the taxpayer’s business either.

We are also profoundly upset at the decision of the columnist to include university email hyperlinks, phone numbers, and fax numbers in the text of his column. As a result, we received about 400 faxes in one week. As you can imagine, we were unable to conduct our regular business due to this unexpected disruption.

We are also disturbed by your columnist’s need to write follow-up columns exposing the proliferation of pornography on our public university website. While it was probably a bad decision on our behalf to have links to films depicting incest accessible on the university website, we fail to see the need for to post articles exposing these decisions. Put simply, it is none of your business.

Since your website has started to expose our university, we have experienced quite a backlash from our donors. In fact, we are told that some are now making direct contributions to We hope that you will cease and desist in the near future.

To be continued…

Mike S. Adams is a Jonathan Swift Professor of Parody and Satire at the University of North Carolina at Wonderland (UNC-W).