Why I became a Republican

Posted: Oct 10, 2005 12:05 AM

Last Wednesday night, I gave a speech at Ohio University (OU) in Athens, Ohio. The speech, which was co-sponsored by the OU College Republicans and the Young America’s Foundation, was about an hour long. It was followed by one of the best question and answer sessions I can recall. My favorite question from the session was this one:

“How, exactly, did you go from being a liberal Democrat to a conservative Republican?”

This is how I answered the question:

“People often ask me why and how I experienced such a radical transformation, both politically and theologically. Regarding the latter, my story is certainly not like that of Charles Colson. In other words, I did not have a transforming experience in a friend’s driveway, like the one Mr. Colson describes in his wonderful book called “Born Again.” Let me also point out that my political transformation was perhaps even more gradual than my religious transformation. It was more of an issue-by-issue conversion. Some examples follow:

After a fellow fraternity member and his girlfriend were abducted by an armed assailant and murdered during my last year in college, I decided to abandon my support of gun-control.

After learning in graduate school that affirmative action did not involve quotas and reverse discrimination - that it was merely a tie-breaker for equally qualified applicants (and a temporary program to boot) – I went to work in the academy and saw how it really worked. Confronted with the truth of affirmative action, I had to abandon my support of what was clearly a permanent and discriminatory policy.

After seeing a film of an unborn child yawning, rubbing his eyes, and playfully rolling around in his mother’s womb, I realized that the fetus becomes a person long before birth and long after the Supreme Court allows it to be aborted. Therefore, I had to abandon my support of abortion rights.

Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had more in common with the Republicans than I did with the Democrats. I was also beginning to develop a new appreciation for moral absolutism, which would help to revive me spiritually.”

Looking back on that answer (only a few days later); I realize that it was woefully incomplete. As such, I owe it to my readers and the people who attend my speeches to give the principal reason for my political conversion. And here it is:

Republican women are simply more attractive than Democratic women.

It certainly feels good - after years of keeping it in - to state the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Those who don’t immediately accept this revelation as true can just click on the following link:


Of course, I knew that Republican women were more attractive than Democratic women, long before I saw the above link. But I didn’t know that it was proper to discuss the difference until just before my speech at Ohio University.

That was when three very attractive women came into the room to take their seats and I asked innocently “Are you ladies all Democrats who are here to heckle me?” Their blue-eyed blond leader responded with this far more intelligent question: “Do we look like Democrats to you?”

Just two days after learning that it was alright to talk about this issue, I was giving another speech in North Carolina. After the speech, my wife commented on the good looks of the young Republican women from UNC-Chapel Hill who were listening in the audience.

Of course, this is very good news. Since my wife is able to comment on the surplus of good-looking women in the GOP, that means I can, too. Of course, it also helps that she stopped reading my columns many months ago.

The public discussion of this issue will help Republicans answer some important questions. For example: “Should we assume that being gay often causes one to be a Democrat? Isn’t it more likely that the lack of exposure to attractive women causes Democrats to be gay?” And “Do Democratic women consider compliments in the workplace to be sexual harassment simply because they rarely hear them?”

But, of course, it isn’t necessary at this time to explore the many intellectual questions that flow from the observation that our women are more attractive than theirs. Instead, we must immediately begin to exploit the issue for political gain. And the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute is doing just that by publishing a calendar featuring, among others, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, and Shemane Nugent. (For ordering information, click here.)

If the Republican Party simply purchases and distributes a few million of these calendars, there is little chance that the Democrats will remain a viable party in this country for very long. Certainly, every man who is currently “independent” will change his voter registration after seeing what our party has to offer.

Of course, the only real question is whether all of those men who will soon switch to our party will stick around after learning that our women are more intelligent and self-sufficient than those in the Democratic Party. If not, they can always switch back and watch Hardball with Chris Matthews.

My attractive Republican wife says that I will get a record amount of hate mail after I run this column. But, of course, that can’t be so. Democrat women don’t care about their looks. They are far less superficial and far more principled than that. I’m not joking. I really mean that.

Mike S. Adams (www.DrAdams.org) is currently hiding in his office reading a copy of “The idiot’s guide to heavy sarcasm.” He says he’s trying to master the art of heavy sarcasm. I think he really means it.