We'll have a gay old time

Posted: Jul 25, 2005 12:00 AM

Dear Professor Flintstone (pseudonym):

Thanks so much for your letter expressing concern over UNC-Wilmington?s new harassment policy, which reads as follows:

Harassment is unwelcome conduct based on race, color, religion, creed, sex, national origin, age, disability, veteran status or sexual orientation that is either a condition of working or learning (?quid pro quo?) or creates a hostile environment. (see www.uncw.edu for more details).

I also thank you for asking the following questions about the new harassment definition:

1.  Does rolling your eyes when someone says something stupid constitute harassment?

2. How would anyone know what eye-rolling was based on?

It?s a good thing you asked me those questions since a recent memo from the administration gave us the following warning: ?The university expects all employees to learn what behaviors constitute harassment, to be responsible for their own behavior, and to cooperate in creating an environment in which harassment is not tolerated.?

The answer to your first question is ?yes,? provided that the person at whom you rolled your eyes happened to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans-gendered, queer-identified, black, or a card-carrying member of the National Organization of Women. All other individuals are considered to be capable of fending for themselves. That policy exists in order to ensure equality.

The answer to your second question is more difficult. Technically, one can never ?know? anything because the university does not endorse the belief that there is an external reality independent of one?s feelings.
Therefore, if the university feels like the offensive eye-rolling was based on any of the above factors you will be presumed guilty (unless you are able to prove yourself innocent without the help of an attorney or any other form of due process). This is the current practice because so many UNC administrators want to live in a country just like the former Soviet Union.

If you think my responses to your questions were made in jest, consider the following:

1. A Vagina Warrior (a co-ed who starred in the Vagina Monologues) wrote me an offensive e-mail talking about her ?vagina.? The university did not declare that to be an example of harassment.

2. Another student put a sign on my door calling me an ?a**hole? and said I shouldn?t be allowed to reproduce. She also put condoms in my mailbox. The university did not declare that to be an example of harassment.

3. A feminist in my department filed a false claim of harassment against her boss. Then she falsely accused him of a felony. The university did not declare those acts to be examples of harassment. When I pointed out the injustice of not punishing a false harassment claim, the fibbing feminist said I was then sexually harassing her (by talking about her false claims outside of the workplace). I swear I?m not making this up.

Aside from the real cases, we can also imagine some interesting hypothetical cases that may come to pass under the new policy (which reads more like a N.O.W. policy). For example, consider the fact that some UNCW feminists are now encouraging the use of the word c**t as a term of endearment. That?s okay if the person using the c-word is a feminist. But what if some silly man thinks he can also use the term?

Will that be sexual harassment? Will it create a hostile environment if he simply follows the advice of these fickle feminists?

This whole emphasis on preventing a ?hostile environment? is simply the latest political ploy by the intolerant and power-hungry feminists that have recently infiltrated the UNC-Wilmington administration. Fortunately (for you), most of these feminists are too emotionally involved in this issue to cause as much harm as they intend to cause. And, fortunately, most of them are not very bright.

So what shall we do about this troubling new policy? As you might imagine, I believe I have a plan.

At a university diversity workshop, I once learned that some people can change sexual orientations several times during a lifetime. In fact, one transvestite said that he was a she three times a week and she was a he twice a week. I don?t know what she/he did about weekends.

Therefore, I want you to become gay for just a little while. This can be accomplished by simply telling yourself that you feel gay. You might also want to tell one other person, just for safe measure.

After you become gay (temporarily), I will send you an email (over the university system) with Leviticus 18:22 attached to the signature. You can then forward it to the administration just before you file a ?hostile environment? complaint against me on the basis of your new sexual orientation.

Next, I will file a complaint against you, which says that you also created a hostile environment for me on the basis of religion (simply by filing your complaint). I predict that the leftists in the administration will ignore my complaint and call a hearing to judge the merits of yours. At that point, the university will be guilty of religious discrimination for playing favorites.

After I contact my legal network and file a lawsuit against UNC-Wilmington in federal court, you may safely resume your life as a white male (and most notably) heterosexual Christian Republican gun owner. And don?t worry about being accused of filing a frivolous complaint. The university probably allows gay people to do that. They certainly don?t mind when feminists file false complaints.

I guess what I?m really trying to say is not to worry. This administration is even more arrogant and Orwellian than ever. I think this year is going to be a lot of fun.

Mike S. Adams (www.DrAdams.org) buys most of his cigars directly from www.BrookelynnCigars.com, which is based in Wilmington, NC. That really has nothing to do with the present column.