Clueless commies and Cuban contraband

Posted: Jul 18, 2005 12:00 AM
Right now, I?m sitting on my back deck smoking a Cuban Montecristo #2. Some call it breaking the law. But since the U.S. Army rejected my offer to go to Iraq to serve as an army sniper, the least I can do is help the troops by burning valuable enemy crops.

After I finish this 52-ring by 6 1/8? figurado (and dispose of the evidence in my American-made toilet), I plan to watch that tape of Castro falling down the steps and busting his communist fanny on international television. The tape only runs about 30 seconds, butt (sorry) it is my favorite action movie, by far.

My new policy of smoking a great cigar every time a pinko commie makes an ass of himself (or herself) is going to require a whole new set of cigar recommendations. Well, here goes:

The Ashton Heritage Puro Sol Belicoso #2 is a great cigar with a Cameroon wrapper that rivals the Fuente Hemingway Classic. Though only 4 7/8? by 49, it is well worth the $8.25 retail price. It is an elegant cigar with excellent construction.

I plan to smoke this Ashton to celebrate the recent failed censorship effort of bird-watching leftist Rita Dean. Rita wrote a nasty letter to my chancellor complaining about a speech I gave on C-SPAN, which criticized (quite irreverently) the campus diversity movement. She was particularly offended when I boasted of my NRA membership on national television.

After the letter was circulated among numerous black faculty members at the university, an African American studies professor wrote me saying she was offended. But she was not offended by my speech. Instead, she was offended by the fact that the letter was being circulated among the black faculty. This, she thought, reflected the racist notion that all black people think alike and are intolerant of dissent against the diversity movement. She concluded her letter by saying the following: ?Keep doing what you?re doing? and ?don?t take no s**t off nobody.?

Looks like that one backfired, Rita. Pass the matches.

The Joya de Nicaragua Antano 1970 Churchill. This 6 7/8? by 48 ring cigar might be better classified as a double corona. It is a well-constructed cigar with a firm draw. It is also a very rich and cedary medium-bodied smoke.

I plan to smoke this one in dedication to the university staff member who complained about me to my boss in April of 2004. She said that she felt uncomfortable when I mentioned the subject matter of my columns in the workplace. This was despite the fact that she often talked about her husband?s erectile dysfunction in the office. In other words, she thinks you can make fun of a penis but not affirmative action.

Less than a year after her complaint she was fired for charging across the office at another employee and shouting ?f**k you? with her middle finger extended. I guess comfort is a two-way street. I think I?ll go to the store and buy her some Viagra as an early retirement gift. Or maybe I?ll just light a Churchill instead.

The C.A.O. Italia Piazza. I generally prefer the C.A.O. Brazilias to the Italias but this 6 ?? by 60 ring corona gorda is a must. If you like mocha java, you will love the chocolate and coffee notes in this cigar. It is a medium-bodied maduro that looks good and burns nicely.

This one is dedicated to a campus feminist who falsely accused my former department chair of sexual harassment. Not only did the university ignore the complaint, they promoted the falsely accused professor to an administrative position in the provost?s office. You have to love it when a feminazi tries to destroy an innocent man and he gets a promotion instead. Pass the matches!

The Oliva Maduro Churchill. This is one powerful 7? by 50 ring cigar. You don?t want to smoke this one after eating quiche and a salad. Save it for a night at the steakhouse. Warning: This cigar is so darned pretty you might not want to light it. But if you do and your head starts to spin after a few puffs, just sit back and smell the aroma. This one is a real bargain at about $5.50.

I hate to harp on Rita the bird-watcher but I have more bad news. After she complained to the administration about my love of guns, the university (I assume unknowingly) hired a new administrator who owns guns and even shot a buck two years ago. Are you ready for this? She?s the new director of the Women?s Resource Center. She may be a feminist but at least she?s packin? heat! That?s zero for two, Rita. Could you pass my cigar cutter? It?s right next to my .357 magnum.

The Punch Rare Corojo Double Corona. This 6 7/8? by 48 ring wonder is well constructed with a tight draw. The rich and creamy taste will have you smoking until your fingers burn.

Now, it just occurred to me that I haven?t paid my respects to Dan Rather for showing his ass during last year?s election. I plan to smoke this one with my left hand, while sticking my right index finger in my right ear and mindlessly repeating the phrase ?What?s the frequency, Kenneth?? For those who don?t get it, I don?t have the column space to explain this one. Suffice it to say that Dan Rather is a real nut job.

Needless to say, I could go on and on thanks to the efforts of people like Janeane Garofalo and Tom Cruise. But it?s getting late and I want to crawl in bed and finish The Count of Monte Cristo. Has anyone seen my Ann Coulter action figure?