The Office of Campus Car Alarms

Posted: Jun 28, 2005 12:00 AM

We need to find a new name for ?diversity experts.? The term ?expert? implies that one possesses superior knowledge. But, since the diversity movement says that all ideas are equal, there can?t possibly be superior knowledge. So, of course, there can?t be any experts of any kind. That?s why I suggest we call them ?car alarms.?

Replacing the term ?diversity expert? with the term ?car alarm? really makes sense if you think about it. I?m sure you remember when car alarms first came out. Every time someone got near a car with an alarm, it would just go off. At first, it was a really big deal, but, eventually, people just started to ignore them.

That?s the way it is with the soon-to-be-formerly-known-as-diversity-experts. When they first opened their offices, they just started shouting ?Racism! Sexism! Homophobia!? to everyone who walked by. Now, people tend to ignore them. I should know because those people (did someone just hear an alarm go off?) have shouted me down on a few occasions.

For example, in 1994, I made the mistake of publicly expressing my support for California?s Proposition 187, which would have taken the children of illegal aliens off the welfare rolls of the State of California. As soon as I stated my position, a car alarm (then called a diversity expert) went off, shouting ?Racism! Racism!? It sounded a lot like ?move away from the car! The police are on the way!?

Of course, it wasn?t racism. I just don?t like illegal aliens or welfare.

Recently, the car alarms went off again when I proposed a new way to deal with illegal immigration in America. The idea involves granting temporary worker passes to all illegal aliens willing to work on a giant wall that will run along the U.S./Mexico border-all the way from Texas to California. The wall would be built almost entirely by illegal aliens. But as soon as they come within ten feet of finishing, all the illegal aliens would be fired and sent back to Mexico, which would, of course, be only a few feet away.

American workers would then finish the job and take full credit, hanging a sign that says ?Made in the U.S.A.? on the finished product. I would call it ?The Great Wall of Chicana? and dedicate it to their mothers.

The car alarms didn?t like that idea very much either. But it?s not racism. I just don?t like criminals, illegal aliens included.

And, of course, the car alarms went crazy when I recently suggested that all people should be required to wear a towel on their head when they arrive at any U.S. airport. I thought of the plan after I noticed a lot of white senior citizens with ?I love my grandkids? t-shirts getting searched. But I?ve never seen a Muslim with a towel wrap get the same treatment. My plan of making everyone wear a towel would force airport security personnel to start searching people with towels on their heads or stop the searches altogether.

The car alarms didn?t like that idea much either. But it?s not racism. I?m just trying to extend equal protection of the law to the airports.

And, then, there was my idea to confiscate all of the copies of the Koran at Gitmo. With all of this talk about Koran abuse, people sure have missed the point. The real wrong is not being done to the Muslims; it is being done to the atheist taxpayer. Government officials shouldn?t be handing out copies of the Koran in the first place. What are they thinking? What happened to that ?wall of separation? I keep hearing about?

The car alarms didn?t like that idea either. But it?s not racism. I?m just trying to keep up with the Supreme Court?s evolving views on the Establishment Clause. I want to be just like Sandra Day O?Connor some day. Well, sometimes I do, but I keep changing my mind.

The best part about changing ?diversity expert? to ?car alarm? is that it finally gives us guidance on what to do about Ward Churchill. Some have said that Churchill should be fired for incompetence after referring to victims of the 911 attacks as ?little Eichmanns.?

But I disagree. Ward Churchill?s job as a ?diversity expert? is to falsely accuse innocent people of racism in order to promote a liberal political agenda. That is all that the diversity movement has ever been about. And that is the sole basis for determining the competence of so-called diversity experts.

Ward Churchill is a competent ?diversity expert? just like Karl Eichmann was a competent Nazi. Come to think of it, John Wayne Gacy was a competent serial murderer and Jenna Jamison is a competent porn star.

But, of course, that doesn?t mean that the taxpayers should have to pay for competent diversity experts, any more than we should put Nazis, killers, and porn stars on the public payroll.

So, how about it, folks. Let?s not single out Ward Churchill. Let?s get rid of all these annoying car alarms. And hurry up. I?m trying to watch the Braves play the Indians.