10 great cigars and why I smoked them

Posted: Jun 13, 2005 12:00 AM

For years, communism has been preventing me from enjoying a lot of good cigars. That used to bother me, until I found a way around the problem. As many of my readers know, there are more communists teaching on the average American campus than there are teaching in all of Cuba. And, of course, these communist professors do a lot of stupid things, most of which violate the United States Constitution.

I have learned that fighting American communist professors is fun, largely because they are so easy to beat when challenged. That's why I smoke a cigar every time one of them goes down in flames. I also smoke one every time there is a victory for free speech on an American campus. Here of some of my favorite smokes, which have followed some of my favorite free speech

The Hemingway Classic by Arturo Fuente. This is probably the first "fingernail burner" I ever encountered as a cigar smoker. In other words, it tastes too good to put down until it actually starts to burn your fingers. Although it burns slow at first, this 7-inch, 48-ring cigar is one of those that smells almost as good as it tastes. Second-hand smoke does have its advantages, you know.

I lit up my first Hemingway the night I found out that a convicted pedophile had been fired from the Office of Student Life at UNC-Greensboro. The story of the pedophile's convictions had been broken by a conservative student newspaper I helped to start with a $2000 contribution the year before. I made the $2000 from the UNCG Office of Student Life during a speech I gave on their campus. Ironically, the speech criticized the university for hiring a porn star to lecture on the topic of "safe sodomy" and the pedophile was involved in the decision to hire the porn star. The money I made from the speech was used to get him fired. Justice and the free press prevailed that time, didn't it?

Ashton "Aged Maduro" #50. This mild maduro is a little pricey. Nonetheless, this well-constructed cigar is good for the novice smoker, especially one trying a maduro for the first time. I don't know whether I was hooked by the Connecticut wrapper or the excellent blend of aged fillers. I don't really care. I just love this cigar.

I smoked my first #50 when Alpha Iota Omega won an injunction in federal court against James Moeser, President of UNC-Chapel Hill. Moeser was trying to force the Christian club to admit non-Christians and even allow them to run the club as officers. A federal judge put on hold the school's decision to punish the students for exercising their First Amendment rights to free association. A few hours later, I lit up an Ashton.

Trinidad Robusto 5 x 50. This is one powerful cigar. It isn't for the novice smoker. Nonetheless, it is a beautiful and well-constructed robusto. I occasionally buy cigars (and occasionally rifles and shotguns) based solely on the fact that they are pretty.

I smoked my first Trinidad the day I got a call from Dean Michael Kelly at Northeastern Illinois University. I called NEIU after they had banned the College Republicans from holding a cookie bake sale protesting affirmative action (by charging whites a dollar for cookies and blacks only 75 cents).

The problem was that NEIU feminists were previously allowed to hold a similar sale protesting differential pay based on sex. Their sale simply made the point by charging different rates by sex. After my phone calls to the president and to Dean Kelly, the school reversed its decision and allowed the CR protest. The victory was made possible, as usual, only by the hard work of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (www.thefire.org). I FIRED up that robusto in honor of the FIRE.

La Aroma de Cuba Corona. I don't often smoke coronas but this one really packs a punch. At just under four dollars, this leathery cigar is a real bargain, too.

I lit up my first La Aroma de Cuba the day that Indian River Community College decided to allow a Christian group to show The Passion of the Christ on campus. Previously, the school had falsely claimed to have a policy prohibiting R-rated movies. In fact, they had allowed other R-rated movies to be shown on campus without any objections. When I lit up this corona, I thought of several hundred of my readers who called the school to complain.

They virtually shut the IRCC Office of the President down for the better part of a week. The school probably decided it would be easier to just show the Passion.

CAO L'Anniversaire Cameroon Robusto. Some people don't  like boxed-pressed cigars. But, then again, some people think Anna Kournikova is ugly. Sane people recognize that the easy draw and sweet, cedar notes of this cigar make it very hard to beat.

I smoked my first CAO Cameroon the week that the FIRE defeated speech codes at two American campuses on two consecutive days. Where do these guys get all their energy?

Rocky Patel 1990 Vintage Robusto. I've smoked a few Rocky Patels and some are a bit too oily. But this toasty 5.5-inch by 50-ring robusto is perfect.
It is the best tasting cigar I have ever smoked. Period.

I recently smoked a 1990 Patel, when a newly-elected chair of the sociology department at Brooklyn College stepped down before assuming office. He had characterized religious persons as "moral retards." His demise was the result of a campaign led by Students for Academic Freedom. They correctly took the position that the professor should have a right to voice his anti-religious opinions, but that the school would be better off if he did not serve as an administrator in charge of hiring, handling grade disputes, and so on.

Padron 6000 Maduro. To those who have already smoked an Ashton, this Padron is a very different maduro. It is strong, yet elegant. It is both better and less expensive than the Ashton, in my opinion.

I smoked my first Padron 6000 after the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights concluded that Elyse Crystall had violated the civil rights of a student at UNC-Chapel Hill. Crystall had chastised a Christian as "heterosexist" in an email to her entire class after the student merely expressed reasoned disproval of homosexual conduct. His speech was dubbed by Crystall as a form of "violence" and "hate speech" not protected by the First Amendment. The Feds found that, in reality, the Christian student was being targeted due to his religious beliefs.

H. Upmann Vintage Cameroon Belicoso. This cigar tastes like a shorter, fatter version of the Hemingway Classic. It is rich and full of cedar flavor. It is also a bargain at $6.00.

I smoked my first Upmann Belicoso last year, when the faculty senate at the University of Alabama passed an Orwellian speech code designed to restrict "any behavior that demeans or reduces an individual based on group affiliation or personal traits, or which promotes hate or discrimination."

The student government at Bama then chastised the professors, accusing them of trying to "silence dissenting speech, not merely so-called 'hate speech', and to persecute those with unpopular opinions..." They also subtly threatened to sue the school if the hate speech resolution passed. It was a thing of beauty to be celebrated with a great cigar.

Sancho Panza Extra Fuerte Madrid. This is a well-constructed medium-bodied beauty. It is also one of the best bargains on this list at about $4.25. I like to smoke this one when I'm reading Don Quixote.

I smoked my first Madrid after a professor at Monmouth College tried to portray me as a racist. Fortunately, during one of her diatribes, the Pakistani professor called me a "Little Milkey." Imagine what would have happened if I called her a "Little Brownie." I just laughed and lit up a Sancho. Dumb professor. Great cigar.

Padron Magnum Maduro. This nine-inch, 50-ring cigar is sweet and full of flavor. It is really more like a cup of cappuccino than a cigar. A good choice when you plan to sit down and watch Gone With the Wind, or some other movie requiring an intermission.

I smoked my first Magnum when I realized that the College Republicans were growing in size after the close 2004 election. They usually fade away after an election year. I guess this means there will be more frustrated leftists on campus doing stupid things in the year to come.

There are so many fascists and great cigars, and there is so little time. Does anyone have a lighter?

Mike S. Adams once wrote a letter to George W. Bush asking him to invade Cuba just for the cigars. Although he insisted that Churchill would have done it, he never heard back from the President.