I love to fly. It's a time when I can sit back and prepare for a speech (that is my usual destination), think deep thoughts, and fine-tune my sarcasm. As you can imagine, a lot of deep questions pop into my mind during air travel. Fortunately, I manage to keep those questions to myself. But, today, I have a really bad altitude and I feel like letting them fly. Sadly, the following questions and comments came from just one day at the airport and on one flight to Cincinnati:
Sir, will you please wrap it up? There are other people in line, here. I know, sir, but all seven of your bags are over the fifty pound limit. Yes, I know you don't FEEL like paying the extra charge. Well, if your wife doesn't speak English, why didn't YOU call about the weight limit instead of her? It isn't Delta's fault that your wife can't speak the language. Ma'am, did you just call me a bastard? That was in English, wasn't it?
Sir, can I borrow a white towel? Well, I forgot mine. Oh, I see what you mean. I usually wrap one around my head to keep from being searched at the airport...like that 80 year old white lady with the "I Love Jesus" t-shirt. Thanks. Can I have another one to throw down on the floor? What? Well, I intend to point it toward the East, kneel down, and say a quick prayer to Allah. I told you, I don't want to get searched. I'm running late because of that guy at the counter.
What the hell did you just say to me? Who's my daddy? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you were on your cell phone. Who uses the cell phone while sitting on the toilet, anyway? I mean, what happens when she hears the toilet flush? You know you can't control those automatic flushers. They have a mind of their own! Didn't you know that? Flipping idiot!
No, you can't, sir. I paid eight dollars for those. Get your own tots!
Hi son, what is your name? You sure are fast. I've never seen a kid run so fast from one end of the airport to the other. Too bad your parents aren't nearby to see this. I have an idea. See that sign that says "security check point: Do NOT enter"? If you run about ten yards past it, that makes 100 yards. I'll time you with my stop watch. Ready? Set? GO!
Excuse me, sir. That is the sixteenth time you have said "bulls***" in the same cell phone conversation. Yes, I can tell you have a bad reception, but do you mind taking it elsewhere? Thank you, sir. ....Yes, officer,I'd like to report an abandoned suitcase. I don't know. Some guy was just swearing a lot and then he took off. Seemed real nervous. There he is, yes, the guy on the cell phone. Maybe you should arrest him.
How old are you, ma'am? I mean, you just look so young to have five children and six tattoos. What are their names? No, I mean the children. Oh, I thought his name was Jesus Christ. Never mind. How old is the one who keeps banging his head on the window? Do you think that might cause stupidity? or is it the stupidity that causes him to bang his head on glass windows in the first place? Yes, it really is a lot like the chicken and the egg, isn't it? Genes are important, aren't they? Oh nothing, never mind.
Really, you're from Pennsylvania? How interesting. And you like NASCAR, too? That's great. Where did you go to college? Quaker State? Just kidding. Could you pass me those earplugs?
Ma'am, that woman in the back with six tattoos keeps threatening to hit her child if he doesn't shut up by the count of three. Yes, I know it's her right but now she's at the count of 375. Would you mind flushing that kid's head down the toilet? No? Why not? Well, can I flush his head down the toilet? No? Well, why did you say, "If there's anything I can do to make the flight comfortable, just ask?
One more question, stewardess. Flight attendant? Okay, whatever. Could you please double your rates before I fly again next week? I'm sick and tired of "affordable" air travel. There's a reason I didn't take the bus. At least, there used to be a reason.