When I first heard there was an organized effort to expel Rosemary DePaolo as UNC-Wilmington's chancellor, I was taken aback. I thought the student group (called "I hate my chancellor") was way too harsh in their criticism of Dr. DePaolo. But, later, when I found out there was a group called "Mike Adams for chancellor" I got over it.
Tonight, I am pleased to accept your offer to lead UNC-Wilmington for the next three years.
My first act in office will be to change the name of my position. I will be called President Adams, not Chancellor Adams. I don't even know what the term "chancellor" means. It sounds like an overpaid, pompous ass to me.
Next, I will take a 50% salary cut. At over a quarter of a million dollars per year, our previous chancellor was grossly overpaid. Since I get royalties and honoraria as a professional author and speaker, I really could cut my salary even further. But, then again, I really enjoy buying guns I don't need. Therefore, we'll keep the salary cut at 50%.
My next act in office will be to stop stealing money from the students of UNC-Wilmington. That's what the previous administration has been doing. For example, they have been charging you a hefty computer use fee, without granting you full access to the computers. In fact, the university ran out of paper and toner and had to start shutting down labs on just the second day of school last year.
Of course, you never got a refund of your computer fees. That is called theft. I believe theft is absolutely wrong despite the claims of the moral relativists in the Office of Campus Diversity. Incidentally, I will pay for your new paper and toner by shutting down the Office of Campus Diversity. They can't claim that shutting them down is wrong because they don't recognize a distinction between right and wrong. Everything is relative, remember?
The university is also stealing your money by charging you $175 for parking every year and not providing you all with a parking space. Currently, there are four students for every parking space. Pardon my language, but that really sucks. Expect to immediately receive a 75% reduction in your parking fees. Next, I will build a parking deck on campus. When I am finished, you will be able to park there for free.
The new parking deck will be in the place of the Cultural Arts Center, which is currently being built on the edge of campus. Let's face it, that center will probably be filled with sculptures of vaginas and African Warlords within a year. Since, no one cares about that artsy-fartsy crap, I plan to tear it down even before it is even finished.
Remember that administrators just fund these diversity projects to pad their vitae in order to get the next administrative job that pays more money. And, let's face the facts: No other school is going to hire me after I 'm done with this place.
In order to fund the parking deck, I plan to cut back on the number of administrators at UNC-Wilmington. When I came here twelve years ago, this school was run by only a fraction of the administrators we have now. Even then, they managed to get bored enough to think of stupid ideas like sensitivity training sessions for transgendered employees. Now, since most of them will be fired, the rest are going to have to work a little harder.
But I won't cut the total number of jobs at UNC-Wilmington. For every administrator I fire, there will be a university policeman added to the force. That has something to do with the murders of two UNCW students last year. It also has something to do with the fact that I intend to start selling beer on campus.
I have to be honest. I am going to allow beer to be sold in the student union only because I am sick and tired of students coming to me for help after a drunk driving charge. If you're going to get drunk, I want you to do it within walking distance of your dorm. Speaking of self-interest, I will only allow Sam Adams to be sold on campus because that's my favorite beer.
If you don't like it, that's tough. I'm the President.
I want to address the issue of dorms right now. Earlier this year, the administration kicked the juniors and seniors off campus because they claimed there is not enough room for you-especially in light of our many new building projects. I am hereby reversing that decision. Starting next year, there will be a giant new upper class dorm on campus.
The new upper class dorm is currently referred to as the "School of Education." If you've ever had an education class, you know what a joke that school is. By the way, the education professors were already fired this morning. It will probably take a few months for them to clean out their offices. It takes education professors at least ten times as long as the average person to accomplish any simply task. Sorry for the delay.
I also plan to close the university bookstore. If you don't know why, see my previous remarks about theft. You can now buy your books on Amazon.com, or anywhere else you see fit.
Those stupid Seahawk paw prints that were recently painted all over campus will also be removed. They just look too much like giant rat paws to stay. I was beginning to think the psychologists forgot to lock up one of their Skinner boxes after another ground-breaking experiment. But, now I know that the administration was behind it, I am going to make them clean up their own mess. The administrators who just got fired will have to remove them before they pick up their final paychecks.
And, finally, I want you to know that the Women's Resource Center, the Leadership Lecture Series, and all of the Democratic Party's campus slush funds will be shut down. After all, the name of this school is UNC-Wilmington, not DNC-Wilmington. Since we won't be funding the Democrats anymore, you can forget about the 11% tuition increase previously scheduled for next year.
This concludes my inaugural address. Since it was given via email and was not a part of a week-long installation (like the one given for my predecessor, Rosemary DePaolo), I have just saved you about $100,000.
Now go out and buy yourself a beer. Make it a Sam Adams. And make a toast to Mike Adams. That's president Adams, to you.