A letter before Dawn

Posted: Mar 24, 2005 12:00 AM

Good morning, Dawn. It's one o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep due to a pulled muscle in my lower back. Yesterday, I tried to move a 700-pound gun safe into my house with, shall we say, insufficient assistance. I can't seem to accept the fact that I'm over forty. Tonight my back is reminding me.

As I get older, letters like yours bother me more and more, though I think there is hope in your situation. I want to start by thanking you for your letter and for the enclosure - as disturbing as it was.

The picture/poster you sent of a naked woman with her legs lifted in the air was pretty tasteless. The flower inserted into her vaginal cavity did little to help matters. Admittedly, it did cover private areas most would not wish to see on a picture distributed all around the University of Alabama campus by radical feminists. Nonetheless, the airbrushing did not fully cover some things we all could have gone without seeing. I don't know why they can't advertise for the Vagina Monologues with a little more discretion. It speaks volumes about their maturity.

Your idea of sending a letter to President Witt, objecting to the display is not a good one. Witt is not opposed to the campus diversity movement. In fact, he seems to be one of its most ardent supporters. And he seems hopelessly out of touch with the values of the citizens of Alabama.

Fortunately, I have another idea.

In your letter, you said that campus feminists are really "aging sluts with no higher goal than to produce another generation of angry and promiscuous Vagina Warriors." That was well put. It also brings me to my idea.

Dawn, I want you to conjure a vision of the "angry and promiscuous Vagina Warrior" you mentioned in your letter. Then, I want you to gather together at least three other women who feel like you do on this issue. Then, I am going to ask you to do something very difficult. I want you and your friends to dress like the angry feminists you criticize.

Wear your oldest pair of blue jeans, preferably without washing them for at least one month. Then, put on a white "wife beater" tank top. Do not shave your arm pits for several weeks (this one is optional) and under no circumstances are any of you to wear a bra (not optional). Use black magic markers to put slogans like "F--- Bush" and "F--- men" on your tank tops. Then get some "Vagina friendly" buttons from the Women's Resource Center and place them on your outer garments. Wear no make-up except for thick mascara. Top it all off with a black leather-studded dog collar from the local pet store. Fit it tightly around your neck. Then, you should be ready to go.

I have enclosed a $100 bill in this letter, which should give you enough money for about 2000 Xerox copies of the offensive poster. Take these 2000 copies to the next student/parent orientation after you get dressed in your man-hating feminist outfits. Make sure that you do not arrive early so the campus police are not tipped off in advance.

I have contacted a friend in Tuscaloosa who has agreed to film the entire event in case the police try to make you leave. All you have to do is start screaming if the police try to touch you. It will all be caught on film for future use.

If the police question you, just say that you recently attended the Vagina Monologues and were transformed by the experience. If any university feminists are nearby, they won't be able to figure out that you are mocking them and trying to cause a PR disaster for the university. They can't distinguish theater from reality.

Within the hour, angry calls will start to flood the office of President Witt. The parents of potential students will also begin calling other schools with a simple question: "You don't have any of them Vaginer Whar-yers' on your campus, do ya?"

I will also have my friend take some digital pictures of you to send to potential Alabama football recruits. Shortly thereafter, we will send a "hot sorority girls of Auburn" calendar to those same recruits. Once the feminism starts to interfere with the football, you might get the President's attention.

In your letter, you asked me the following question: "Would any sane parent send a daughter to Bama if they could see what was going on there in the name of diversity?" Since we both know the answer, it's time to give them a preview.

Please pardon any ms-spells or typos. It's almost 2 a.m. My back hurts and I need some sleep.

Mike S. Adams will speak at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois on March 30th. He won't be wearing a "Vagina Friendly" button. He doesn't plan on shaving his armpits before the event.