The Merchant of Venison

Posted: Mar 09, 2005 12:00 AM
Dear Antonio:

Thank you for your recent email concerning a picture of a deer posted on my website ( ). Your email asked how I could kill and eat such a beautiful creature with a clean conscience. Actually, that is a two-part question. The ?how can I kill it? part would take too long to answer. I recommend the Outdoor Life Network (OLN) for tips on how to harvest a healthy buck. But the ?how can I eat it? part is a little simpler.

First, you need to decide whether venison is right for you. I would suggest starting with a rack of deer ribs that can be thrown on the grill the next time you decide to Bar-B-Q some chicken. Just douse the ribs with some KC Masterpiece Sauce and sprinkle them with Lowry?s Seasoning Salt. By the time you lay them all out, it will be time to flip them over. After you do, just pour any excess sauce on the ribs and cover them long enough to extinguish the flames. They should be ready within a few minutes. Just don?t overcook them and remember the following rule, Antonio: charcoal only, no gas grilling!

If you like the ribs, and I suspect you will, you might want to move up to something a little heavier. Most people recommend back-strap but I recommend tenderloin kabobs.

To make a good tenderloin kabob, just slice the tenderloins down the middle and cut each side into several chunks, sized according to your preference. Make sure to add plenty of small onions and whole mushrooms. Put them all in a pan and use the skewers to poke holes in the onions, mushrooms, and meat to help them soak up the seasonings. You may also want to add green peppers, though I rarely do.

Next, and most importantly, you need to douse everything in thick Italian dressing. Let everything marinate for approximately five hours. Then, you are ready for the grill!

After cooking the tenderloin kabobs on one side for a few minutes, dump the excess Italian dressing on the kabobs. Cover until the flames are extinguished. Turn the tenderloin kabobs over and season them with Pickapepper steak sauce -- a seasoning which is good on poultry and fish, but best on steak and venison. Serve when ready.

Of course, all of the above suggests that you prefer outdoor grilling to indoor cooking. Since I have no desire to impose my Southern outdoor grilling tradition on those from different cultures, I proudly offer an indoor option.

For each pound of cube steak, soak in the following marinade for 30 minutes:

¼ cup of red wine,
1 clove of garlic, and
1 1/2 tablespoons of soy sauce.

Dump the marinated meat into a skillet coated with olive oil. Cover the meat generously with Cajun seasoning while it cooks for three minutes. Turn the meat over and allow it to cook for another three minutes while lightly sprinkling with salt. Serve with the vegetables of your choice in order to promote culinary diversity.

I have tried to answer your questions thoroughly, Antonio. Now, allow me to ask a couple of questions about the animal rights movement you so passionately embrace.

Recently, I heard that animal rights activists had developed a strategy of going to plays and spotting women wearing fur. After identifying a target, they would hand comic books to their children under the guise of giving them something to read quietly during the performance. Unbeknownst to them, the comic books contained pictures of slaughtered animals with the words ?Your mommy is a murderer? printed below.

Given your concern about animal pain, why do you intentionally inflict pain on innocent children? Do you consider animals to be superior to humans-a belief espoused by both Adolph Hitler and Charles Manson?

Finally, Antonio, why do animal rights activists get so mad when I refer to them as terrorists? Is it unfair for me to refer to PETA as a terrorist organization, given that they often destroy people?s property (e.g., spray-paint their minks) and traumatize their small children?

I hope you will take my questions seriously, Antonio. Even though you are an animal rights activist, I consider you to be a human being and not a mere animal. I recognize the difference, and I?m sorry if I grilled you.