Springfield High designed this course as a way of preparing next year?s freshmen to function in college. I have decided to take a slightly different approach. I intend to teach you things you will never learn in college due to the excesses of the political correctness movement. All of the things I will teach you either, a) have important implications for public policy, or b) have immediate application to your everyday lives. Some examples follow:
*Social Security is a failed experiment in socialism. It was implemented by an American President who handed over Eastern Europe to Stalin while he was seated just five feet away from a Soviet spy who worked in the U.S. State Department. Social(ism) Security (SS) is one of the principal ways that liberals keep the black man down. Because the average black man dies within months of getting full SS (not to be confused with Nazi) benefits, he has nothing to pass on to his children. This keeps blacks from attaining wealth, which in turn keeps them from getting the same health benefits as the wealthy. That is one reason why they don?t live as long as whites. You will never hear the above statements because, while in college, you are not allowed to use the terms ?them? and ?they? when referring to blacks.
*Gay Democrats do not favor Social Security reform because they have little interest in the issue. They are less likely to have children. They also have a shorter life span due to their risky lifestyle. If anyone tries to teach you this at UNLV, the gay thought police will launch a secret investigation at taxpayer expense. At UNLV, you can pick up a hooker (and shorten your lifespan) but you can?t state the obvious about the consequences of sexual immorality.*Women already have the vote. They also comprise nearly 60% of college students. That is why university Women?s Centers rarely do anything that involves expanding women?s rights. In fact, because their successes have resulted in a shortage of men on campus, they are now forced to spend student fees on sex toys to help ease their sexual frustration. For example, the University of New Hampshire recently used mandatory (not to be confused with wo-mandatory) student fees to purchase sex toys, a guide to ?underwear sex,? handcuffs, paddles, and vibrators. One pink vibrator, affectionately called Decadent Indulgence, cost $150.00. A demonstration of the vibrator?s capabilities was given on campus property in front of numerous onlookers. No, I am not joking. (See the following:
*The illegitimacy rate among racial and ethnic groups in America varies directly (and perfectly) with the crime rate among racial and ethnic groups. The illegitimacy rate among racial and ethnic groups in America varies inversely (and perfectly) with the educational attainment rate among racial and ethnic groups.
*Ward Churchill isn?t really an Indian. (Warning: You can?t say Indian on college campuses. Nor can you root for the Cleveland Indians or the Atlanta Braves).
*Hate crime legislation is not the answer to all black people?s problems. In fact, blacks commit crimes against whites at a rate many times higher than whites commit crimes against blacks. The subject of ?hate crimes? is usually brought up by white politicians who are oppressing blacks by stealing money from social security and spending it on initiatives that provide jobs for white people and help get white politicians re-elected.
*Nothing has been accomplished in my own field, criminology, for at least 36 years. In fact, you can learn more about crime from a good letter to the editor in the school newspaper than you can from a criminology journal. In fact, more people read the school newspaper than the criminology journals.
*If you ever hear the term ?deconstruction,? it will be from someone interested in reconstruction. Specifically, they will be interested in reconstructing the Berlin Wall. This will not be true of all your professors. Some are not yet aware that the Berlin Wall has fallen.
*Global warming isn?t really a scientific?
Excuse me just a minute, boys and girls, I hear someone knocking at the door. I?ll be back in a minute.
Dr. Obvious never returned to class that day. He was escorted off campus by officers of the new Diversity Office at Springfield High School. Later, he changed his name to Dr. Oblivious and took a job as a Wal-Mart greeter. He now resides in Boise, Idaho.