My new disability claim

Posted: Feb 16, 2005 12:00 AM
Dear Human Resources Director:

Recently, I gave serious consideration to filing a sexual harassment suit against a fellow employee who was talking about her husband?s erectile dysfunction in the workplace. All of her angry ranting about her husband?s lovemaking deficiencies infringes on my right to feel comfortable at all times in the workplace.

I am aware that the right to feel comfortable is not found in the United States Constitution. Fortunately, it is found in the campus diversity handbook, which trumps state and federal statutes as well as the U.S. Constitution. I learned that during Black History Month, which was previously known as February.

Last week, I talked to several attorneys (in the legal network) about the possibility of suing the UNC system for creating a ?hostile? work environment. One of my attorneys in Philadelphia asked me to sleep on it. The decision to sue, he insisted, is not to be taken lightly. So I took his advice.

Unfortunately, before the morning light, I had a bad experience, which has caused me to rethink my ?hostile environment? lawsuit. That ?bad experience? is difficult to discuss, especially in a column that may be read by millions of people. But, since I am committed to serving the truth, here goes: I, too, am now suffering from erectile dysfunction, or ED.

Worse than the discovery that I am now suffering from ED was the subsequent realization that I have been suffering from it for several years. Ever the empiricist, I decided to record the approximate dates of my previous, shall we say, difficulties in an effort to find the root causes of my medical condition. A brief summary follows:

In 2001, I was jogging on campus when I passed a group of feminists marching in the annual ?Take back the night? event. After they marched by me shaking their fists and screaming, I first experienced ED. They certainly took back that night!

In 2002, I read the book ?Intimate Reading? by a feminist professor in the English Department at UNC-Wilmington. After I read the section about her losing her virginity at age 16 (told in graphic detail), I again experienced ED.

In 2003 (February), when campus feminists marched around stage chanting ?vagina, vagina? during the Vagina Monologues, I experienced ED again. Even worse, it happened to me on Valentine?s Day (which, by the way, is not known as VD)!

In 2003 (March), when the university hired a self-proclaimed ?queer Muslim? speaker named Irshad Manji, I experienced by most intense bout with ED. In some ways, I?m still recovering.

In 2004, I saw a campus feminist (student) wearing a shirt that read ?f*** Bush.? It wasn?t really the shirt that gave me ED. It was probably the leather combat boots and dog collar she was wearing. I even thought about calling animal control.

And, finally, in 2005, I have now suffered from ED due to a feminist?s excessive complaints about her husband?s ED. It?s kind of like trying not to imagine a giant purple elephant.

Obviously, one does not have to be a college professor to see the common theme in all of these instances of ED. Put simply; they were all induced by feminist rage. And, clearly, the six instances I have recounted call for the recognition of a new disability called Feminist Rage Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome, or FREDS.

In anticipation of your formal recognition of FREDS, I have attached an ADA disability claim, which will allow me to leave the university in order to fully recover. Just getting away from campus feminist rage should do the trick. And not having me around might even attenuate the rage of some of these angry feminists.

After you grant my claim, I plan to spend every evening drinking Sam Adams Black Lager and smoking ?Hemingway Classics? by Arturo Fuente. Then I?ll just sit around in my pajamas and wait for the real action to begin. I hope you weren?t thinking about sex. I was talking about internet blogging.