Roger and me

Posted: Feb 08, 2005 12:00 AM
Hi Roger! As you may know, I often post my responses to hate mail like yours on my website, You may also know that the responses are often curt and sarcastic. But, Roger, since your intellectual prowess was so obvious from the opening line of your missive, I feel obligated to give you a more thoughtful response.

I trust you are telling the truth when you say you have never been as offended as you were after you saw my appearance on Fox News? Heartland (with John Kasich) on Saturday night. Your statement that my ?attack on moral relativism? was ?completely unacceptable? and demonstrated that I am nothing but a ?racist,? a ?sexist,? a ?homophobe,? and ?mentally unstable? was convincing. You have clearly shown your commitment to moral relativism by refusing to judge me in any way. I thank you for your intellectual honesty.

Having done hours of research on the performing arts yesterday, I now realize that I was wrong to judge a graduate student at UCLA for bringing a loaded gun into his performing arts class and playing Russian roulette in front of the audience. I was also wrong to judge him for firing a bullet from the gun after his successful skit. I say ?successful? because he was not killed after he put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.

Since offending you with my ill-considered statements, I have also learned where this UCLA graduate student may have gotten the idea to play Russian roulette in front of his classmates. It seems that his professor, an HIV-positive gay man, once cut himself open and bled (HIV-positive blood flowing from one of his tattoos) in front of a live audience. Another UCLA professor once allowed himself to be shot in the arm with a rifle in an art gallery as a means of ?artistic expression.?

Clearly, I have underestimated the importance of sado-masochism in higher education. And I am certainly impressed with UCLA as an institution of higher learning. In fact, that is where I want to send my children for an education.

Speaking of sending your kids to college, I noticed that you said you would never send your kids to my university (UNC-Wilmington) because of my opposition to firing loaded weapons in the classroom. I believe you said that I was too ?close-minded.? Of course, you are free to assume that the other 400 professors at my school favor the display and firing of weapons in class as a means of ?artistic expression.? You are also free to set your goals high by refusing to tolerate any school where less than 100% of the faculty ?tolerates? the use of loaded weapons in class. None of that upsets me.

What really upsets me is that your children will not be attending our fine university. With the help of your genes, both of your kids promise to be intellectual giants. Your assertion that I would have burned Michelangelo at the stake if he were still alive was evidence of your powerful logical ability. Everyone I have ever known who opposed the use of firearms in the classroom also harbored a secret desire to burn famous artists at the stake. There is no leap of logic in your message, whatsoever.

In order to undo the damage I may have done (and, hopefully, to lure your genius children to my university) I wish to offer a formal apology. But that isn?t all. I am going to back up my words with actions by refusing to judge my students at all. For example, I am going to stop grading my students and just give everyone an ?A? at the beginning of the semester. I am even going to allow students to use firearms during class speeches and presentations. My students will not be limited to pointing the firearms at themselves. I will also let them point them at others. UCLA has nothing on me!

Put simply, I plan to conform to the culture of higher education by refusing to make any moral judgments whatsoever. I will no longer demand that the UCLA student be expelled for his recent ?artistic performance.? I will also tear up my next article on the theft of cadavers from the UCLA medical school. If people like to steal dead bodies to sell on the black market then I say ?more power to them!? Give me diversity or give me death!

It really is liberating to reject the notion of absolute standards absolutely. I think I?ll celebrate by driving home on the left hand side of the road. You should do the same, Roger. A few people may die, but at least you?ll be making an artistic statement. That?s all that really matters.

Mike S. Adams will speak in Asheville, NC, on February 11th ( He will speak in Washington, D.C., on February 19th ( He will then risk his life by speaking at the University of Wisconsin School of Law on March 1st. Nonetheless, he will not carry a gun on campus. That would just be wrong.