Mamas don?t let your cowgirls grow up to be cowboys

Posted: Nov 26, 2004 12:00 AM

Many gay activists compare their current ?civil rights? struggles with those faced by blacks in the segregated South in the 1950s. The comparison is deemed offensive by many blacks, given that the average black income is still much lower than the average white income in America. Blacks? educational attainment still falls well below that of white Americans, even fifty years after the landmark Brown decision.

By contrast, gay Americans are wealthier and more educated than their straight counterparts. Nonetheless, lesbian millionaire (and North Carolina Senator) Julia Boseman thinks they need a helping hand. That?s why her family started a special scholarship at UNC-Wilmington to help gays with their ongoing struggle for ?civil rights.? Some day, they hope that gay Americans will even have the right to vote.

UNCW?s Boseman-Tenhuisen scholarship was designed to help end discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation by giving people money for their education if they are a member of an oppressed sexual minority group with more education and greater wealth than the general population. For those who are wondering, ?Tenhuisen? is a Dutch word meaning ?it?s okay for us to talk about our sexuality, but if you do we?ll sue you for compensatory and punitive damages, together with injunctive relief.?

After the Boseman-Tenhuisen scholarship was established, a university press release and a story in the local Wilmington McTimes applauded the new ?civil rights? initiative. Both were written without the help of conservatives in order to avoid any unpleasant developments (read: lawsuits).

Of course, not all of the money that the wealthy and powerful Boseman family gives to the university is related to the gay ?civil rights struggle.? The Bosemans also gave a lot of money to the university to build a new softball field. With unprecedented creativity and discretion, the new complex was named ?Boseman Field.? 

Of course, once the university had a new softball field, officials decided to conduct a national search to find a new coach who would turn UNC-Wilmington into a national powerhouse in women?s softball. The lengthy process of conducting a national search was expedited by asking all applicants two questions: 1) Are you involved in a lesbian relationship with Julia Boseman? And, 2) Have you ever watched a women?s softball game?

After answering ?yes? to both questions, future Senator Boseman?s girlfriend (who was flown in from all the way across town) was hired for the job. The UNC-Wilmington women?s softball team has been a national powerhouse ever since. (For those seeking to file a frivolous lawsuit, the two previous paragraphs were an attempt at political humor. It was not meant to defame those involved in the hiring process).

After Boseman?s girlfriend took over the university?s softball program, a brave politician decided to go public with charges that some local politicians were using their power and influence to win government jobs for their friends. The brave politician who made the accusations of unethical conduct was none other than Julia Boseman.

Julia Boseman stood up for ethics in government by accusing local politicians of being involved in a ?good ole boys? network. The key word in that phrase is ?boys.? Clearly, Boseman was upset that not enough lucrative jobs were going to lesbians with friends in government, but instead to straight white Christian males who have never even played a game of softball. The non-lesbian who was fired after 18 years of coaching UNCW softball (and not being in a lesbian relationship with Julia Boseman) was unavailable for comment.

The Senator Boseman saga just keeps getting more interesting, doesn?t it? Unfortunately, I can?t reveal everything that I know right now because I have my hands tied with a new lawsuit. The suit has its origins in a nasty rumor circulating around town. It seems that one of the Bosemans, who insists that he is not a sperm donor (I guess that makes him a sperm hoarder), is the one who has started the rumor about me. According to my unimpeachable sources, he has stated publicly and falsely that I am an organ donor. That isn?t true. I keep all of my organs to myself, especially now that I am a married man.

But I want all of my readers to know that I?m mad as hell, and I?m not going to take this kind of abuse (even though I am a public figure). As a result of the sperm hoarder?s false and defamatory speech, I intend to file a lawsuit ?seeking compensatory and punitive damages, together with injunctive relief.? (Sound familiar?). The problem is that I cannot find an attorney. One of my attorneys is currently on his honeymoon. My other attorney, David Limbaugh, is busy finding a publisher for my second book, The Art of Cultural War: Rules for Republican Radicals. Does anyone know what John Edwards is doing for the next few months?

I suppose that, in a way, I feel sorry for Julia Boseman. While all of the ?good ole boys? are playing hardball, all she wants to do is play a little softball. Life sure is tough when you?re a lesbian millionaire.