Today's Headlines

Posted: Sep 17, 2004 12:00 AM

Author?s warning: Because the following editorial is based on actual events on American college campuses, some of its contents will be highly offensive to some readers. Nearly all of its contents will seem completely ridiculous to most normal readers.

Jayson Blair lectures on ?Discerning the truth?

Winston-Salem State University (WSSU) recently paid Jayson Blair $3000 to lecture to college journalism students in North Carolina. Brian Blount, the chairman of the communications department at WSSU booked Blair's appearance. Responding to criticism of the decision, he said that Blair is a case study for students to learn how to discern the truth. When asked why Blair was paid $3000, Blount stated that it is unlikely that an unemployed reporter would agree to visit the campus for free.

Blair said that he will donate $1,000 of his fee to a mental health organization. Rumors that ?mental-health organization? refers to a psychiatrist treating pathological liars were later deemed untrue by CBS?s Dan Rather. This was after Rather discovered that several prescriptions written by a deceased pharmacist were actually forgeries.

Under pressure from CBS executives, Mike Adams admits to editorial error

Columnist Mike Adams recently referred to a piece of 1934 gun control legislation as a ?ban? on fully automatic weapons when, in fact, the legislation only heavily regulated the weapons in question. Adams was forced to admit the mistake after Dan Rather called his office asking to be the ?first to break the story.?

UNC-Wilmington ends discrimination, hires gay Republican

After heavy criticism for never hiring a Republican speaker in the entire history of its ?leadership lecture series,? UNC-Wilmington recently hired a GOP speaker. Gay Republican Andrew Sullivan will come to campus to speak on the issue of gay marriage. Sullivan will recapitulate the major points of a March 23 ?forum? sponsored by the Office of Campus Un-Diversity. At the previous forum, six pro-gay marriage speakers had a vigorous debate on gay marriage before an audience of several dozen gay singles. Quiche and sushi were served afterwards.

On parents? weekend, UNCW will host a concert by the Indigo Girls in what some are calling Dyke Fest 2004. On Coming Out Day in October, UNCW will have another gay speaker ?coming out? to the campus. At this time, no students will actually be forced to engage in homosexual behavior. They will merely have to agree that it is ?just as good as any other lifestyle.? University officials are considering a move to rename the university UNC-?Whatever, man? (UNC-WM).

Former Edwards intern admits to office impropriety

During a discussion among students in an N.C. State internet chat room, a man identifying himself as a former intern in John Edwards law office, admitted to engaging in acts of self-stimulation (after business hours) while sitting in the desk of the Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate. Given the recent difficulties of high ranking Democrats with a) college interns and, b) similar DNA evidence, columnist Mike Adams and CBS anchor Dan Rather tried to reach Senator Edwards for comment. Unfortunately, because Edwards was out shaking hands with the unemployed, neither Rather nor Adams was the first to break the story.

Having just finished a speech at WSSU, Jayson Blair beat them both to the punch. Blair is presently trying to discern the truth of the allegations. The former New York Times reporter still considers himself to be unemployed. When he does become fully employed, he plans to lower his college speaking fees.

College to initiate ?Vagina Week?

Nearly 200 women showed up last fall for a masturbation workshop in ?Loose Lounge? at Grinnell College in Iowa. As a result of the success of the workshop, the Feminist Action Coalition (FAC) decided to initiate a ?Vagina Week.? The organization stopped using the name Feminist Action Group after numerous gay students took offense.

The idea for the Grinnell ejaculation workshop may have come from the Beloit College Womyn?s Center. In the past, their ?Masturbation and Female Ejaculation? workshops have been followed by ?Sensual Eating Extravaganzas? for womyn only.

Presently, administrators at UNC-Chapel Hill are considering whether such workshops for ?womyn only? are discriminatory. Sex experts from UNC-Greensboro were flown in to advise the college that gender is merely an imaginary construct. Unisex bathrooms will now be installed throughout the entire UNC system using money from a recent statewide bond referendum.

The Passion of the Christ shown on university campus

Several Christian organizations at Mississippi State University (MSU) are sponsoring a showing of Mel Gibson?s ?Passion of the Christ? later this month. The film will be shown on campus at Humphrey Coliseum. A columnist and alumnus of MSU was delighted to find that ?masturbation workshop? and ?womyn?s center? yielded no results on a search of the university website while ?Passion of the Christ? did. He thinks there might be hope for higher education after all.

Mike S. Adams is a proud alumnus of Mississippi State University. He recently logged on to You should do the same.