My truce with Bruce (Almighty)

Posted: May 17, 2004 12:00 AM

Author?s Note: Because it discusses everyday campus life at UNC-Greensboro, this editorial contains extremely offensive language. If you read it anyway, and still write to complain, you might be a Democrat.

The other day, I got a call from a freelance reporter wanting me to comment on a recent controversy I helped to start at UNC-Greensboro (UNCG). I declined the interview because I have been busy promoting my new book and trying to start some more controversies to help me get started on a second book.

Interestingly, the reporter kept calling and sending emails after I declined an interview, insisting that it would not be fair to print his article without getting ?(my) side of the story.? For those who don?t know, that meant he was threatening to give me negative press unless I gave him an interview.

In the midst of his unsuccessful attempt to get me to grant an interview, the reporter tipped me off to the fact that some people at UNCG are unwilling to let a controversy die that began when the school paid $3000 in student fees to have a porn star give a lecture on ?sexual health.? After I wrote an article criticizing that decision, I came under fire from many people, including Bruce Michaels, the Director of UNCG?s Office of Student Life.

Relying on numerous reports from people who spoke to Michaels and from comments he made in news interviews, I learned that Bruce was accusing me of lying in my coverage of the recent UNCG controversy. Here?s one news excerpt dealing with the negative PR that UNCG experienced after my column about the porn star, oops, I mean, sexual health expert:

?The letters, calls and complaints were mostly from people who were misinformed, because of Mike Adams? column? said Michaels.  ?The only fact in Mike Adams? column was that Tristan Taormino spoke here. Almost everything else was completely inaccurate.?

One of the ?lies? Bruce accused me of proffering was a reference I made to Taormino as a porn star. Now that I have had time to think about it, I realize that Bruce was right. Ms. Taormino isn?t a porn star! Let me explain.

After I wrote my columns on Taormino, she returned to UNCG in April to give a lecture funded by private donors. The title of her lecture was, ?My Life as a Feminist Pornographer.?  Well, there you have it, folks. Taormino is actually a pornographer, not a porn star! You say Tor-mino; I say Tor-mono, let?s call the whole thing off.

After the ?feminist pornographer?s? first visit, the Chancellor of UNCG began to distance herself from the decision to hire her to speak on sexual health issues. But my good friend Bruce Michaels still insisted that her first visit (funded by student fees) was perfectly appropriate.

Well, believe it or not, after reading the reviews of the return of the self-described ?poster girl for anal sex,? I am convinced that Bruce Michaels is right again! I have been forced to change my mind due to the intelligent questions she fielded from the audience on her return visit to UNCG. For example, one person asked the size of the largest male sex organ that had ever been used to sodomize the health expert. Her answer was thirteen inches. Isn?t that a healthy practice that only a ?sexual health expert? could discuss with a bunch of college students?

I have to take my hat off to Bruce Michaels. His superior moral judgment is paving the way for a brighter future in higher education. The Board of Trustees should give him a pay-raise effective immediately. Although all of this talk about anal sex has caused some to refer to UNCG as ?UNC-Gomorrah,? at least their ?sexual health experts? encourage people to wear condoms. Because of that, I guess there?s no chance that UNCG will be referred to as UNC-Gonorrhea.

Since I have obviously been unfair to Bruce Michaels, I am hereby calling for a truce with the Director of UNCG?s Office of Student Life. In fact, I am going to do more than call for a truce. I am going to send this column to Governor Mike Easley asking that Bruce Michaels be given special recognition for raising the quality of student life at UNCG. In addition to ?outing? me as a pathological liar, Bruce Almighty has clearly helped to lead the students of UNCG to a higher level of moral understanding.

If you don?t believe what I say about the quality of student life at UNCG, just take a look at their student newspaper. The best summary of the quality of the UNCG newspaper was constructed by my friend Jon Sanders at the John Locke Foundation in Raleigh, NC. That summary can be read on the following link:

One of my favorite articles in the UNCG student newspaper offers great tips to students on the essential topic of sex toys. The author of that column offers the following advice:

?My personal favorite (sex toy) products at Babeland are anal sex guru Tristan Taormino's signature butt plug and the authentic Hello Kitty vibrator (and you thought it was just an urban legend).?

If you didn?t understand the need to hire Tristan Taormino for $3000, just check out the following from the column called ?Have sex like a queer? from the UNCG student newspaper:

?I think straight people in general are getting more queer and that's due in large part to the people they are getting sex advice from. The most popular sex writers and sex advice columnists in the country are queer. Every week, queers like Dan Savage and Tristan Taormino counsel straight people on their sexual woes. Books like ?Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men? and ?Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man? have straight people queering their sex lives as well. And in private, straight girls get bl**job tips from their gay boyfriends.

So come on straight America. Join the party.?

And, hey, check out this one; a columnist for the UNCG student newspaper actually went on a date with Tristan Taormino a year before her controversial ?sexual health lecture.? So what was their destination? Dinner? No. A movie? No. It was an S&M party! Read all about it, here:

?Each dungeon was set up for a different kink. There was a room for electricity play, one for hot wax, and several where people were tied up. Two of the rooms had elaborate ?crucifixes? to tie people up and then whip, smack, slap, and spank them. There was also a ?sucker bed,? which consisted of two huge sheets of latex and a vacuum cleaner. The idea is you get between the sheets and all the air was sucked out so that you're completely trapped. There is a hose for you to breathe through while people beat, tickle, or fondle you. It's kind of like being in a full body condom.

Each room had its own soundtrack. One dude rocked out to Ramstein while flogging his girlfriend, and just next door the soothing sounds of Enya were accompanied by the ?oohs? and ?ahhs? of a girl having hot wax poured onto her breasts?

As we wandered in and out of the dungeons, Tristan answered my questions with the knowledge and patience of a seasoned sexologist.

?What are they doing to that woman??

?Zapping her with low voltage electricity.  It feels like running into a bug-zapper.??

Way to go, UNCG! That?s the kind of leadership that makes donors proud of their public university system!

But don?t worry; if your child isn?t into that kind of thing, their privacy will be respected at UNCG. Well, maybe not. One columnist for the school paper writes about his observations in the men?s restroom:

?(I) noticed that the guy to my right had finished peeing? and was ?stretching and jiggling his willy [which] really got me going.?

After all this reading about sex, I decided to do a search for the word ?abstinence? on the school newspaper?s website. No luck there. But plenty of articles popped up when I did a search for ?anal sex.? Here?s a great excerpt:

?Not only was it my first threesome, but also my first sexual experience with a woman. There were all these different body parts to explore, different smells, tastes, sensations.?

Well, that?s it, my decision is final. I?m sending my kids to UNCG where they can read a lot about anal sex, sex toys, and S&M parties, rather than hearing about topics like abstinence. Most of all, they can be right there in close contact with UNCG?s Office of Student Life, led my Bruce Michaels.

All of this talk reminds me that after reading my initial coverage of the Tristan Taormino controversy, a student from UNCG wrote an anonymous email referring to me as a ?heterosexist pig.?

While we?re on the topic of pigs, some administrators at UNCG need to learn that you should never try to wrestle with a pig. If you do, you are bound to get dirty. Not only that, but the pig might just like it.

Mike Adams ( is the author of ?Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel.? Sixteen days after its release, the book (Adams? first) reached #153 on Surprisingly, the UNCG bookstore is not carrying the book.  After all, its content may be offensive to some readers.