Unanswered questions: 2004

Posted: Apr 26, 2004 12:00 AM

Author?s Note: Some parts of this editorial are downright offensive and all parts are downright silly.

Well, it?s happened again. Recently, one of my liberal readers wrote to chastise me for my arrogance and condescension. Of course, I?m not really arrogant and condescending but he doesn?t know that because he?s not as smart as I am. But, seriously, every time I am accused of being a know-it-all, I like to remind my readers that I am plagued by doubts just like everyone else. In fact, it seems that the more I write, the more I find that I am confronted with questions that I just can?t answer. This week, I decided to share some of those difficult questions with my readers, hoping that together we can come up with some real answers.

Yellow Porn. On April 20, 2004, the University of North Carolina at Asheville hosted a film called ?Masters of the Pillow? by Darrell Y. Hamamoto, a Professor of Asian American Studies at the University of California-Davis.  For those who don?t know, Hamamoto?s cause is the ?yellow porn movement,? which he began in response to what he sees as a ?white, racist? porn industry that permeates American society.  In a nutshell, he wants to see more Asians in porn movies. Is the lack of Asians in porn movies really a ?problem? in need of a ?solution?? Should we have affirmative action in the porn industry? Should there be quotas? Where did Hamamoto get his degree? In California?

Cell Phones. The other day I was in Subway standing in a line that was running all the way out the door. (I started eating at Subway shortly after I heard that Chicken McNuggets haven?t always been made out of white meat). Suddenly, a woman?s cell phone rang while she was ordering her sandwich. She actually answered the call and started arguing with her boyfriend. His name was Rupert. Assuming that it wasn?t Rupert from all-star Survivor, I think she should have waited to take the call. After hearing her say, ?but I do love you, Rupert? for the third time, I decided that something should be done about these people who are addicted to their cell phones. Shouldn?t there be a new crime called public incivility? Would it be too harsh to arrest people for public incivility? Would it be unconstitutional to execute repeat offenders?

An Interesting ?Revelation.? Last week, our university hosted a speech by former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell. The speech cost the university $40,000, although Mitchell only spoke for about an hour. That means that his fee was about $666 a minute. Could Senator Mitchell be the anti-Christ?

Gerbil Derby. Darrell Y. Hamamoto, the aforementioned Professor at UC-Davis lists ?gerbil derby? as one of his special personal interests on his university web page. Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?

Checkbooks. Most people don?t let their kids go to college until they have learned to balance their checkbooks. George Mitchell?s $40,000 speech at my university was supposed to be paid for by ticket sales. The university sold about 100 tickets for $75 each. That means that the university lost over $32,000 on this speech in about an hour. Why can?t college administrators learn to balance their checkbooks before they go off to college?

Cell Phones and Checkbooks. Rupert?s girlfriend wrote a check for $5.35 the other day at Subway. If you hold up a line to write a small check after you have held up the same line to talk to your boyfriend on your cell phone, does that make you a sociopath? If so, does it mean that you can?t be convicted for public incivility? Does it mean that you can?t be executed?

George the Obscure. If George Mitchell can?t fill an auditorium at a small college, can he really be the anti-Christ?

The Fruits of Wrath. Why does most of my hate mail come from people who inform me that they are ?gay? in the first line of the email? If they are angry with me, doesn?t that make them ?un-gay??

No Incivility Here! I recently wrote an article about incivility in college classrooms. A gay man named Christopher told me that there was not a problem with incivility in society. He told me that I was just an f?ing a?hole. That wasn?t very civil. I also wonder whether his friends called him Chris before he came out of the closet? Think about it.

Anal Sex and Bingo. When I appeared on MSNBC?s Scarborough Country with porn star Tristan Taormino, she stated the following: ?When you engage in anal sex safely and when you practice safer sex, which is, of course, what I promote, it's absolutely as safe as any other practice.? Does that mean that anal sex is as safe as bingo? What about miniature golf? Why did UNC-Greensboro pay this woman $3000 to speak as a ?sexual health expert??

Stimulating Lectures.  I recently read an essay by Darrell Y. Hamamoto (mentioned above), which described some of his teaching methods. The essay revealed that he has his students ?contemplate and discuss the content of their sexual fantasy life? in the classroom. He also poses profound questions in class like ?What types of faces and bodies were conjured when (you are) trying to ?get off??? and ?Which media personalities made (you) ?hard? or ?wet? while indulging in fantasy?? These were examples the professor described as efforts ?to lead the students toward a more elevated and sophisticated level of theoretical inquiry.? How did this guy become a professor? Why do they show his porn films at UNC-Asheville?

Dr. Drew Pinsky. Dr.  Drew was also on the MSNBC segment with me and the aforementioned ?sexual health expert.? Pinsky said the following on national television: ?(I)f you look at college campuses, if you actually interview women on college campuses, they rank unhappy. They are very unhappy with their personal and social choices right now. The whole hook-up culture has made women miserable. And the fact is, we need to look at solutions to that.? Why don?t we hire Dr. Drew as a sexual health expert in the UNC system instead of paying for porn stars and showing porn movies? What would the porn industry do without the support of the UNC system?

Cancer and Obesity. If a ?health expert? can make $3000 at a public university denying that anal sex causes STDs, can they make $3000 denying that smoking causes cancer? Can they deny the relationship between overeating and obesity and still quality as a ?health expert??

Obestiality. What do you call it when a person eats too much and has intimate relations with animals? Is it just another topic for classroom discussion at the University of California-Davis? Or is it the next topic for a hired speaker on one of the sixteen campuses in the UNC system? If so, will the speaker draw a bigger audience than George Mitchell?

Mike Adams (adams_mike@hotmail.com) is the author of ?Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel: Confessions of a Conservative College Professor.? Signed copies of his book can be ordered on www.DrAdams.org. Dr. Adams will be speaking at Yale Law School on May 3rd.