Unanswered questions: 2003

Posted: Dec 19, 2003 12:00 AM

The other day, I received a letter from a woman chastising me for my “mind-numbing” arrogance. In her letter, she asked me whether there was any question on any topic that I didn’t “think I had an answer for.” Actually, I’m glad she asked me that question because there are a number of things that have been bothering me lately. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever ended a year with so many unanswered questions. I’d like to share a few with my readers, hoping that together we can find some answers.

Chicken McNuggets. I just heard a McDonald’s commercial saying that McNuggets are now made out of white meat. What were they made of before?

Ann Coulter. I mentioned the Ann Coulter action figure in one of my editorials and received no thanks from Ann. Don’t I deserve an autographed Ann Coulter action figure? I mean, does she think she’s better than me? If so, why does she think that? Is it because she’s good looking? Is it because she’s a great writer? Is it because she’s really good looking? And, finally, is my wife reading this?

Hypothetical Questions. Recently, a reader accused me of not telling the truth in one of my editorials. The portion that he questioned was actually a hypothetical scenario. Don’t people know that hypothetical examples are, by definition, untrue? And what if there were no hypothetical questions? Would the world be a better place?

The McRib Sandwich. What is this thing made of? Is it the same recipe they used before they got rid of it?

Communications Professors. Last week, the College Republicans appealed a decision to de-recognize them as an official student group. During their appeal, a professor called the president of the group “arrogant” and their advisor “paranoid.” He shouted them down every time they tried to make an argument. He also used a condescending voice just like that guy in the movie “Office Space” (did you get the memo I sent you?). The professor has tenure and teaches, of all things, communications. So, which one is easier to get, a hunting license or a PhD in communications?

Saddam Hussein. Why is everybody in the building so down today? Is it because we just captured Saddam Hussein?

I’m Lovin’ It! I hate that new McDonald’s theme song. Who wrote that thing? And if it’s such a bad advertisement (my contention all along) then why do I wake up in the morning with that stupid song in my head? I’m hating it! It’s even worse than the time I got “Wake me up before you go-go” stuck in my head for six consecutive weeks in the 80s. Is anyone in the mood for a McRib Sandwich? No, I don’t know what’s in it, either.

Gay Bathhouse Managers. Recently, the manager of the first gay bath house in Fresno, California told me that I was going to hell for making derogatory remarks about Gay and Lesbian Studies programs at universities. He also said that the First Amendment doesn’t give me the right to criticize diversity programs. Was that guy serious?

Retirement. Why is our former Chancellor, James Leutze, still making his full salary of $190,000 after he retired in June? Presently, he is drumming up support to run for the State Senate as a Democrat. Does that mean we will be paying him this year to campaign for political office?

Michelle Malkin. Do they make a Michelle Malkin action figure? If not, why? Is my wife reading this?

Adrien Lopez. Why did former Student Body President Adrien Lopez (hereafter A. Lo) ask me to leave the university because I frequently criticize the campus diversity movement? How can you promote diversity and tolerance by kicking someone off campus because they don’t share your views?

Hate Crimes. Last week a gay man threatened to come to my office and cut off my genitals with a knife. This was all because I made fun of a cross-dresser in one of my editorials. He didn’t sign the message but he forgot that he registered his account by name with hotmail.com. That made it pretty easy to report him to the FBI. So, will they log this as a hate crime against heterosexuals? If so, would it have been different if J. Edgar Hoover were still in charge?

Florida Voters. In response to a special election I called for in a recent article, 76% voted for the Tricky Dicks, while 23% voted for the Ditsy Dicks. Several people from Florida (about 1%) voted for the Dixie Chicks. Do we need another recount?

Ann Coulter. So where’s my autographed Ann Coulter action figure? Is my wife reading this?

Mike Adams (adams_mike@hotmail.com) just got a phone call from his wife. She’s making him sleep on the couch tonight with a Hillary Clinton action figure. Has anyone seen that girl with the beret lately? What was her name? Wasn’t it Monica?