The Ass and Her Masters

Posted: Dec 15, 2003 12:00 AM
Dear Professor Pollard:

I am writing to invite you to apply for a new position at the newly formed University of the Middle East (UME). We are proud to announce that we have already established a new Women's Resource Center as well as a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans-gender, and Queer-Identified Life and Study Center.

Now, we are seeking professors from all around the world to help set up the new Women's Studies major, which will be established in the fall of 2004. We intend to offer students a degree in Queer Studies the following year. Truly, great things are happening in higher education here in the Middle East.

We first heard about you shortly after the "terrorist" attacks of September 11, 2001. We were particularly impressed by your characterization of America as a terrorist nation. It was an added bonus to hear you accuse the United States Government of killing 4,500 Iraqi children per week with its oppressive foreign policies. While this was the first time that we had heard that particular statistic, we did not take steps to confirm its veracity. Instead, we simply played a videotape of your remarks to Muslim children. We also forwarded copies of the videotape to those who are training to carry out future attacks on the United States. You have truly been an inspiration to us all.

Nor can we find words to express our excitement over your subsequent decision to sign a letter accusing the Israeli government of engaging in "ethnic cleansing" with regard to the Palestinian people. We also agree with the letter's assertion that the biggest threat to peace in the post-911 era is posed by the American response to "terrorism" at home and abroad. Like the videotape, the letter you signed will be used to stir up anti-Semitism and anti-American sentiment here in the Middle East. You have been right every single time you have publicly claimed to have knowledge of why people in the Middle East hate Americans. But few Americans have caught on to the fact that anti-American sentiment in the Middle East has been so effectively amplified by the rhetoric of anti-American professors in their own country.

Despite all that you have done for our cause while teaching in the UNC system, we think that you could be even more effective if you were actually teaching and conducting research here at UME. That's why we have carved out a special position for you to eventually teach in both the Women's Studies and Queer Studies departments. We hope that you will teach courses such as "Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual History in the Middle East" and "Radical Islamic Feminist Thought."

We would also like you to occasionally invite speakers from the United States to give lectures on the superiority of Middle Eastern nations over the United States with regard to issues such as civil rights. For example, we would be interested in hearing from that UNCW philosophy professor who appeared with you in a public forum shortly after the glorious 911 "terror" attacks on the United States. We particularly liked it when he stated, "Some of the extremist positions (of Islamic terrorists) are rooted in some legitimate grievances. They only see the bad sides of America, like materialism and racism." Those kinds of statements are useful in combating the ethnocentric fallacy that life in America is somehow better than life in the Middle East.

If you should accept our new position, please be apprised that we will offer you a salary increase over what you are currently making at UNCW. You will also be given a comprehensive health care package. Furthermore, you will not have any fixed office hours or work hours. You can come and go as you please with the full protection of tenure. You will also have unlimited sick days. And of course, you will be able to express your hatred for America without supporting any of your positions with "facts."

We hope you will take our offer seriously. America is a racist, sexist, homophobic, and oppressive society. We hope to rescue you from that oppression, Dr. Pollard. In return, we only ask that you do your part and help us to destroy the nation that is destroying world. Working together, there's no telling what we can accomplish.

Mike S. Adams ( ) is an associate professor at the University of North Carolina at Wonderland (UNCW). He enjoys reading Aesop's fables.