President Clinton

Posted: Apr 07, 2005 12:00 AM

Pledge drives are annoying. Everyone wants you to give, give, give, as though you haven?t given enough. Between tsunami victims, AIDS babies and Amazon deforestation, compassion is bankrupting conservatives. And now Townhall wants your money, too. Why should you give a single penny to support a website that packages the most important news and sharpest commentary for your moral edification and intellectual stimulation, not to mention one-stop convenience?

Beyond the fact that it is the decent, ethical thing to do ? nothing?s free, Bub, and you get what you pay for - no reason at all. Well, except for this. If you don?t contribute generously and soon:

Sen. Hillary Clinton will become the first woman president of the United States. Michael Moore will make a documentary about sex on America?s college campuses. He will film it at your daughter?s school. He will try to date your daughter. PETA will paint a red bulls-eye on your front door to indicate that you are a family of carnivores who probably own fur wraps. The Rev. Jesse Jackson will come to your house and pray while trying to hold your hand. Michael Jackson will make frequent visits to your son?s elementary school. The ACLU will merge with the Department of Education.

Your doctor will be named Mohammed Yousef Jabar, not that there?s anything wrong with that, but he will not be a legal citizen of the U.S. Also he will not speak English. Nor will increasing numbers of Americans as the illegal alien population continue to grow. Not that there?s anything wrong with that, though you will have to learn Spanish, whether you want to or not. Dentro de unos a?? todos en este pa?tendr?que hablar espa??para hacer negocios o encontrar empleo. Puesto que a mi me gusta hablar espa?? no es problema para mi, pero para los dem?? tal vez algunos de ustedes ? mala suerte. Como dijo el gobernador de California: ?Hasta luego, Baby.?

 See what I mean? That wasn?t fun at all, was it?

Okay, I?m exaggerating. Maybe. In any case, you?re less likely to have to worry about these developments if you continue to stay abreast of current events through the clear thinking and thoughtful commentary you?ve come to expect ? and take for granted? ? on If you care about your country, your children, the future of the planet and, not least, my continued employment, you?ll write a check or donate online today. If you don?t, I can?t swear that life as you know it will come to an abrupt end, but I can?t promise it won?t.