I, Dubya

John McCaslin
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Posted: Dec 29, 2005 9:05 AM

Thanks to column readers from coast-to-coast who submitted New Year's resolutions on behalf of the president, George W. Bush. Without further ado, here's Inside the Beltway's annual list of what you would like to see Mr. Bush resolve to accomplish in 2006:

- "I, George W. Bush, resolve to do unto Democrats as they would do unto you." (Jerry McAdams, Nashville, Tenn.)

- "I hereby resolve to use the full power of the federal government to search through all the lost-and-founds in Washington for backbones and common sense which seem to have been lost or misplaced by numerous personalities upon entry to our fair Capitol." (Alexis von Spakovsky, Madison, Ala.)

- "I, George W. Bush, resolve in 2006 to broker a deal between the Republicans and the Democrats in which John McCain is traded for Zel Miller, Joe Lieberman, or a half-empty box of paperclips and a dried bottle of Wite-Out." (Edward Smith, city and state withheld.)

- "I, President Bush, do hereby resolve in 2006 to end torture of Americans and demand John McCain announce his political aspirations." (Marco Cappabianca, Boston)

- "I resolve to uncover who hacked into Sen. Arlen Specter's Senate Web site and altered his party affiliation to Republican. (Lester Berry, Voorhees, N.J.)

- "I, President George W. Bush, hereby resolve in 2006 to start behaving like a conservative (and) remind Americans of what happened on Sept. 11, 2001. Remember that God has provided us with an array of liberals as comic relief, so don't forget to laugh along the way." (Bobby Florentz, La Habra, Calif.)

- "I resolve to investigate and jail those at the National Security Agency and Central Intelligence Agency who are leaking classified information and putting the rest of us at terrorist risk." (Bob Van Slyke, city and state withheld)

- "This year I resolve to stop my well-intended yet futile attempts to reconcile with the House and Senate Democratic leadership, and soundly trounce their collective political future by going on the offense armed with the truth, optimism and good cheer." (Drew Kellerman, Gig Harbor, Wash.)

- "I resolve to remain steadfast and firm in my convictions, keeping the course that has been set to fight the war against terrorism in Iraq, no matter what my opponents think and say. I will strongly defend my position and courageously tell all liberals that they are wrong, that most Americans believe that they are wrong, and that I am right." (Suzanne Rice, Rockville, Md.)

- "I hereby resolve to answer immediately, forcefully and in a public way, all false charges leveled at my administration by its enemies, foreign and domestic." (Nancy Seaman, Washington, D.C.)

- "I, George W. Bush, resolve to veto just one bloated spending bill sent to me by Congress. I further resolve to force Congress to cut just 2 percent from every department, except Defense." (Doug Barnes, Sioux Falls, S.D.)

- "I resolve to have the United States Capitol Police Horse-Mounted Unit revived and reinstated. After only 14 months in existence, Virginia Democratic Rep. James Moran's successful action to dismantle the unit was egregious. For the continued safety and security of the nation's capitol, this unit must be quickly restored by immediate congressional action." (Karen L. Bune, adjunct professor, George Mason University.)

- "I resolve to quit expecting the Democratic leadership to act like adults who have the best interests of the United States at heart." (W. D. Hinkson, Great Bend, Kan.)

- "I resolve to stop the government from borrowing all the money it wants to fund entitlements to those who can do for themselves. I further resolve to let each state government control needed services, and to stop subsidizing illegal aliens to the detriment of legal American citizens." (Cara Lyons Lege, Frisco, Texas.)

- "I resolve to volunteer my telephone and computer lines to be tapped any time I feel as if the security of this country is threatened." (Evelyn Fitzgerald Hart, Warrenton, Va.)

- "I resolve that in 2006 I will master the art of public speaking by addressing the American people on every occasion possible. I resolve to be aware of what the American people think of me now and not how they will evaluate, in the future, how I did as president." (Joe McColgan Sr., Philadelphia)

- "I resolve to keep the course." (Paula L. Engel, Hopewell Junction, N.Y.)

- "I resolve to plan my work and work my plan, as in Iraq." (Dick Horton, The Villages, Fla.)

- "I hereby resolve to do away with job-approval polls for the president, as these only provide a reason for pundits and other arena sitters to bloviate about how well or bad any sitting president is doing at any given time. They are nonproductive and tell us nothing except how 1,000 or 767 people are thinking at any given time. (D. Loughrey, address withheld.)

OUT OF TIME

How I leapt into 2005
And pursued all my plans with such drive!
But it's now crystal clear
That there's not enough year
Before 2006 will arrive.

- F.R. Duplantier