From a Global Perspective, the 99 Percent Are Actually the 1 Percent

Posted: Nov 27, 2011 12:01 AM

As I watch the various college-aged Occupiers in their True Religion jeans talk about how bad they’ve got it while they tweet on their Macs during a catered lunch consisting of salmon filets with dill sauce as a Rasta Columbia grad student strums gently on his Washburn 118SW, I keep thinking, “You charmed babies don’t have it that bad.”

Matter of fact, from an earth angle, you are truly the fortunate ones and have hit the lifestyle lotto. Trust me, there are stacks of people from developing countries who would love to have what you ingrates whine about. Just ask an illegal alien.

For instance …

1. Clean Water. Please bear in mind, Occupiers, that when you crack open your Evian or get a glass of water from your dorm room faucet that 884 million people worldwide drink water out of crap puddles. Also, even though it doesn’t look like many of you cats bathe, when you do scrub your undercarriage during a five-minute shower, know that you have burned more aqua in that foray than a normal Joe in a third world county has in the last 24 hours. Just a little FYI.

2. Toilets. I know some of your crew like to forego toilets and port-a-potties and drop deuces on police cars and American flags and urinate in public, but please understand that the mere fact that you’ve got an option to use an American Standard truly tosses you into the cultural elite class. Yep, worldwide 40% of our globe’s population (2.6 billion people) is forced, out of poverty, to pop a squat in the brush because they are that broke.

3. Electricity. Next time you power up your iPhone 4S or HDTV, think about this ditty: 1.6 billion folks live without the little extravagance of electricity.

4. A Roof. Globally, one billion people would kill to live in that tent you’re inhabiting right now in that swank park you’re ruining. One-sixth of the world’s collective live in cardboard boxes. According to the NYC arrest records of the 984 OWS protestors arrested between 9/18 and 10/15, they’re dwelling in digs that average about $305,000 a pop. Can you say, “1%”?

5. Grub. Did you know the rats you guys are attracting by the food you toss away during your protest would actually be a delicacy in developing countries? If you have three squares a day (or even one) please note that you are blessed because 790 million folks, give or take, go to bed every night with their stomachs sucking up against their spines.

I could go on and on talking about how great we have it here amidst all of our inequities and absurdities, but I’ve got a Thanksgiving dinner to eat, a cigar to smoke and a giant screen HDTV to watch the Dolphins lose on that forbid me to go any further with this diatribe. For more 411 on why the OWS crowd and all Americans should bow their knee and thank God we have this nation, check out this column.

And if you’re looking for a book for parents for Christmas that’ll keep kids from being part of the OWS crowd, get my barn burner here.

And check out my latest video for a shot of holy adrenaline.